“I’m so pissed I could punch a ba-”
“A what?” Big Baby from Toy Story 3 hovers over me, sawed-off shotgun in hand.
“A bagel. I HATE carbs.”
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Me: You’re sooo cute!! Come over here and give me a hu—
4 (*leaving the room*): Pause my show.
Parenting talk translated.
“Come on you’re very tired, you need to get to bed.”
Actually means:
“Come on, I’m very tired, you need to get to bed.”
That stupid look on my face, is my face
Dating a guy with big hands is the best, at any time I can say “Babe, can you hold these 72 doll heads?”
And he can, he can hold them all.
Ke$ha looks like a character I would select in Mortal Kombat
I really don’t see what the problem is with me letting my dogs on the sofa, but the man at the furniture shop was adamant.
Surprise your buddy by putting on clown makeup and dying in his attic.
People are far, far too judgmental these days.
I can tell just by looking at them.
Me: Cooks meals, does laundry, picks my kid’s toys that he has allegedly already put away
Me asks *my kid to do his home work*
My kid: why do I have to do everything around here?
Her: Do you love me?
Me: *changes subject*
Her: Did you just say *changes subject*?
Last night after 6 pegs though I felt confident to drive I acted responsibly and called an Uber.
But before I could board my wife came running and took me back home.
a horse standing on its tiptoes after seeing a giraffe
*Brings 8 year old back to hospital nursery with receipt*
This one doesn’t listen anymore…Can I get a new one?
Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.
A date sounds nice but you’ll need to bring a friend for my parole officer.
list of casinos I need to burn down in order to prevent my credit score from going to the dogs: ceaser palace, trump cube, chuck e cheese,
Watched Full House for not even a full minute & now I’m white with a credit score of 720
DATE: *looking at dessert menu* are you thinking what i’m thinking
ME: *smiling* let’s say it together
DATE: 1,2,3! ice cream
ME: why does “Open” start with a closed circle and “Closed” start with an open cirrrice cream
One of my boys just hit me with a “who’s all there” text so now I’m in the club taking attendance like an overwhelmed substitute teacher
ME: Whoa, these people are hardcore Goths
CORONER: How many times do I have to tell you that they’re corpses, you’re looking at corpses
Diet, Day 14:
I hate everyone. My children are scared of me & I’ve repelled everyone else.
But I’m starting to really like pears.
Being a dad is great. On Christmas morning I’m just as surprised as the kids when they open the presents we bought them.
I’d like to thank whomever told my mom that WTF means “wow that’s fantastic.” Her texts are so much more fun now.
I’m sexually attracted to the glass sections of a house.
French windows?
No but I’ve snogged patio doors.
Me: I have a hemorrhoid that looks like Don King.
Customs agent: I meant do you have any goods to declare?
Day 3 of quarantine: I haven’t showered for weeks
Marriage Tip: If your wife goes silent in the middle of an argument, you probably shouldn’t ask if you can go back to mowing lawn.
[making the first boat]
“How do we get across this river?”
ME: we gotta build a boat
“What’s a boat?”
ME: that’s what we gotta figure out
I am not a woman who can exercise with makeup on without ending up looking like a Salvador Dali painting
I know this now