I fed the neighborhood cat cheaper cat treats and now she’s meowing Sarah McLachlan songs in my back yard.
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Slippers made out of Lego so that when you step on Lego you just get taller.
Why do customers threaten you with “I’m not coming back here” alright Gertrude see if I care? If anything ur doing me a favour luv x
Sober me:
It would be convenient to have a urinal in my house.
Drunk me:
A urinal! *pees in sink*
*seduces you by wearing a sundress
*ruins it by running in flip flops
Trojans: oh cool guys it’s that giant horse we ordered off Amazon
Greek soldiers: [quietly] lmao
How much wood would Steve Winwood win if Steve Winwood could win wood?
I like when players of opposite teams hug after the game as if to say, “We’re all so very, very rich.”
When I was 16, my parents sat me down to give me “the talk” about professional wrestling.
If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.
The Constitution says nothing about it being illegal for cats to carry firearms and this worries me immensely.
[wife gets home] did you feed the baby his spinach today?
[me doing push ups] hell no I’m not letting that baby get stronger than me
Here, take my hand. Now slap yourself with it.
I want to be more optimistic about aging but my 5 year old just found out I am 30 today and now she’s claiming the jewelry she wants to have when I’m dead.
Not to brag but I used hand soap before it was trending.
What is going on here?
Is Rudolph using a magnifying glass to turn his nose into a raygun?
And who is the reindeer brandishing the cane?
therapist: overthinking
me: you mean predicting the future
Everyone talks about how social media is bad for your mental health but what about Excel?
Even when food is heaven on Earth
my husband adds hot sauce till it tastes like satan.
Me: Any Costco requests?
Husband, who is out of deodorant, toothpaste, and work snacks: Nope, I’m good.
*Clark Kent leaves his glasses on the coffeemaker at work*
Lois: Anyone see the coffeemaker? You, with the glasses…seen the coffeemaker?
My phone: Would you like to save this password?
Me: I NEED TO KNOW IF IT WORKED FIRST AND YOU’RE IN MY WAY!!!
Listen, I’m not gonna lie, I think if someone wanted to murder me they could just leave a trail of cubed cheddar and I’d follow it to my demise
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
“Oh no I left the easy bake oven on” *runs home* *house is filled with tiny cakes*
GENIE: u have 5 wishes
ME: don’t u mean 3 wishes?
GENIE: usually but it seems like u have a lot of problems
who will stop them
If you don’t smile and show everyone your teeth when you’re eating Oreos then you’re probably more mature than me.
don’t be sad laundry, nobody’s doing me either
My toxic trait is that if you see me naked, that girl from the ring murders you in 7 days
King Tut: I just need a one-time investment from you to get my tomb business going
me: I don’t know, kinda sounds like a pyram–
King Tut: like a what?
me: *sigh* sounds like a multi-level mausoleum