Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to set a strong password
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My friend showed me how they fixed the water stain on the ceiling in their office.
grateful there’s a whole airline for virgins . i do NOT want them on my flight
All the baby books tell you that infants need to eat every 2 to 3 hours, but what they fail to mention is that this behavior continues until the child turns 18 and moves out of your house.
Friend: [showing baby photos]
Me: Ah yes, very baby
I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.
At the motel:
Front Desk: And here’s your key card sir ..
Me: I’d like a wakeup call.
FD: You’re 20 lbs. overweight and your fly’s open.
[movie casting]
ME: I’m here for the stuntman job
“Do you have any experience?”
ME: No, but I took a…
“Please don’t”
ME: …crash course
When I finished a one on one session with a first grader he pulled back his chair and said I need a strong cup of coffee.
Wife: I want a divorce.
Me: [into drive-thru intercom] One divorce please.
I hope at the end of the movie, Batman and Superman have to sit down and write a list of all the things they appreciate about each other.
Maybe I only need some intents and purposes.
I used to sneak out of my house to go to parties, now I sneak out of parties to go to my house.
You can’t ask your friends to pack all their lavender clothes in a go bag and come to a secluded cabin and then brand them with an unintelligible symbol without someone getting needlessly suspicious that it’s the beginning of a cult
them: says here you’ll be dueling aaron bear
alexander hamilton: lol that’s funny typo
*distant roar*
alexander hamilton: wait.
Band: Are you ready to rock?!
Me: I need to pee first.
WIFE: Why are you wearing camo?
ME: Crap. You can see me?
WIFE: Put those cookies back.
Teachers: You can’t write an essay in a night. Exam: Write an essay in two hours.
Nothing starts a conversation quite like wearing a tiara in Walmart.
Luckily you can’t be arrested for soliciting a donut.
the worst pressure is when you’re replying to a text with a word you can’t spell and you know they’re going to wonder why it took you 5 minutes to type “I’ll bring hors d’oeuvres”
urinal cakes? what’s next? urinal muffins and cookies? urinal brownies? urinal tarts? an entire unexplored world out there
Kid: Would you like to buy me this candy bar or watch me have a Stage 5 meltdown in front of a bunch of strangers who are quietly judging your parenting?
Can’t believe New Zealand are introducing a new flag just as I finished memorising the old one.
When I need a dose of logic and rational thinking I turn to my dog who has to this day never cut her own bangs.
After seeing my share of people’s ultrasound pictures I’m convinced that they just give everyone the same one.
Pretty sure my day can’t get any wors- *soup explodes in microwave*
The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.