I want that job where I push scared skydivers out of planes.
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IM CRYING AT HIS REPLY
{first day as a dermatologist}
DOCTOR: what brings you in today?
PATIENT: psoriasis.
DOCTOR: hey if your peepers are hurting you should prolly see an optometrist, fella.
I heard a girl at the bar last night drunkenly ask the bartender “what’s the closest drink you guys have to a chicken nugget.”
Whenever I’m house sitting for a friend on vacation I replace each item of their clothing with the exact same thing but two sizes smaller.
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
even after eight years of being a dog parent i am still amazed daily how quickly and brazenly my seat gets stolen
Flying cars sound great but have you seen people drive? No way man
Christmas always sucked when I was a kid because I believed in Santa Claus, and unfortunately, so did my parents. #Christmas
I don’t throw anything out anymore I just go to TGIFriday’s once a month and glue more shit to the wall no one notices try it
Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.
They don’t even serve apples at Applebee’s.
Or bees.
the sexual tension between me and an extra hour of sIeep
“How am I driving?”
No seriously, how did I get here. This isn’t my car.
Succinctly put.
IDGAF if you’re black, white, yellow, brown or blue.
Well, I do if you’re blue, I’ll stop and give you CPR if you’re blue.
I took my kids to the pool for the first time this season.
I figured they’d wear themselves out in an hour.
Instead, we’re on hour three, and they’re still going strong, while I need a nap.
Maybe they can carry me home.
Indiana Jones and the Childproof Cap
Her: I’ll bring the wine, you bring the sandwiches. Any kind.
[later]
Her: Umm, why is the picnic basket dripping?
My: Oh no, my ice cream sandwiches!
genie: what is your first wish
me: i wish i could change anyone’s voice
genie: [kermit the frog voice] why
Pick up a book, any book. Open to the middle, and read the first paragraph.
Make sense?
Welcome to Twitter.
*updates tinder bio*
Me: Who called you guys “Samsung security personnel” instead of “Guardians of the Galaxy?”
Raccoons (that I dressed as security guards): *bite me*
Me the car. Him washing the windshield. If course I’m pointing at imaginary spots because that’s always hilarious.
[first day in hell]
Satan: WELCOME TO ETERNAL HELLFIRE!
Me: ugh, thank god, my feet are freezing
Satan: HAHAH- what?
Me: *cuddling under a burning blanket* so cozy
Satan: wait, where did you get the hot cocoa?
I am not a show off and don’t brag about going to expensive places, but just left the gas station with the tank full. 😆
13: *staring glumly at garden* Why so much spinach?
You think it’s easy being a tall woman with a wide body this time of year? Do you know how many familys try to kidnap me and use me as a Christmas tree????!!!!
I want to know where my horoscope got the outlandish confidence to say “Don’t worry about any dreams you have today, dreams don’t mean anything”
6 year old: Daddy, what if the plane goes down? Me: Don’t worry, your mom is with us. She never goes down. 6 year old: What? Me: Want candy?
Pedestrians cross the street like it’s on their bucket list to get hit