Real girls have curves. A real girl is just one long, continuous curve. Do not date girl unless she is a parabola.
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Santa: hey I’m 🎶coming to town!
me: oh great that’s-
Santa: I see you when you’re sleeping. I know when you’re awake
me: uh
Santa: I know if you’ve been bad or good so-
me: please don’t come to town
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*has to pee*
*watches soccer*
*gets up to pee*
*misses goal*
:/
Given their destructive force to homes, kids’ birthday parties should get names like hurricanes do. Birthday Party Hugo.
One time I hung out with a dudes friend so my hot friend could flirt with the dude and long story short I made him cry after he said that he got “stuck with me”.
I can explain a lot of things in Manchester but I can’t explain this 😭
Person: “I hate geology puns.”
Me: “My sediments exactly.”
Instant pancake mix box: just add water
Me: sounds easy
Oh no, too thick [adds more water]
Oh no, too runny [adds more mix]
.
.
.
*Three hours later* a lovely breakfast of 137 pancakes
Kidnapper: Pay up or I’ll leak your nudes
Me: So what?
K: Then I’ll tweet your drafts
M: Ok don’t do anything crazy we can work this out
Men be like this is my all in one shampoo-conditioner-body wash-face soap-toothpaste-car wax
[Being murdered while eating a salad]
Please sir will you stab the spinach out of my teeth don’t let them find me like this
Kids are fun cause they tell you sweet things like mom you should bedazzle that pimple.
You think you’re cool and then you see a video of yourself running.
Not to brag but I walked by a group of guys today and heard one of them say “See? That’s why I’m gay.”
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
“stop letting someone live in your head rent free”
other people: okay, you’re right. i will stop letting them live in my head.
me: I MUST FIND A WAY TO MAKE THEM PAY THE RENT
“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.
[car accident]
Other driver: YOU TURNED INTO ME!
Me: *looking at hands* like Freaky Friday?
Girlfriend: Are you cheating on me?
Me: You sound like my wife.
[Whoville]
Neighbor: Man the Grinch sucks
Me: Yeah he’s kinda grumpy I guess
Neighbor: Nah man he’s a real piece of shit
Me: Seems harsh
Neighbor: *pulls out tuba* I wrote a song about how much I hate him
Me: Ok this is starting to feel like bullying
I ordered side dishes from Cracker Barrel to take to my mom’s for Thanksgiving and when I asked if they would be hot at pick-up the lady said, “Are you taking to someone’s house? Bc it’s going to say Cracker Barrel on the pan so bring dishes.”
Good God that’s customer service.
Fell in love with my cashier today, but then she said “Hi, how are you?” to the next customer, like that wasn’t totally OUR thing!
Me: I bought an elephant.
Wife: how much did it cost?
Me: I don’t rem-
Elephant: $32,872.
Wife:
Me:
Elephant: I have an excellent memory.
Me: but he was on sale!
Wife: were you?
Elephant: no.
I don’t really believe in the sanctity of marriage but i do like the idea of someone having to pay legal fees to break up with me
Coworker: You look angry.
Me: I’m not.
CW: Really angry.
Me: THIS IS MY NORMAL FACE
Henchman: boss I need to take Thursday and Friday off
Mob Boss: ok but please have all your crimes done by Wednesday end of day
No thank you, shower sex. I’ll just step out of the shower and injure myself the old fashioned way.
Harry Potter is realistic because it normally takes a kid 10 years to tell a story.
[shakes fist at other fist]
You can’t stop yourself
If I say this is a haiku
You’ll count syllables
Dissecting someone who’s really cute is an awwwtopsy.