Imagine how much more useful Superman would’ve been if he’d helped people move their heavy furniture instead.
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Switch I might be!
“I don’t want to sound ungrateful, Carl, but I think I’ll get the bus to work tomorrow”
FedEx tracking:
1. we don’t know if ur package exists
2. delivered
Just ate so many carrots I can see through drywall.
how come some families are all, like, “our ancestry can be traced back to some of the most important people who ever walked the earth,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle chet.”
Judge: On the charge of murder, how do you plead?
Me: *holds up Monopoly “get out of jail free” card*
Judge: Case dismissed.
“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”
This has to be a terrible time for roadstop serial killers
*tucks an errant lock of my gynecologist’s hair behind her ear with my toes*
My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.
doctor: you’re completely blind
me: what are you saying
doctor: april fools lol you’re actually deaf
me: what
doctor: oh right
Jay Z and Beyonce had a 4 million dollar dinner with Obama…. Wtf did they eat? Fresh dinosaur?
One of the best compliments I ever received was when my brother told me that Mystery Science Theater 3000 was “basically like watching a movie with you.”
We had TikTok when I was a kid, except it was called ‘Funniest Home Video Show’, and everyone agreed that 30 minutes once a week was quite enough of it.
I just shook my keyboard upside down. Breakfast is served.
Superhero Movies Love to Have Villains Who Are Totally Right… Until They’re Randomly Super Wrong
Bruce Willis is relaxing by his pool. he’s got so much sunscreen on that he slowly slides off his lounger, out of the gate & down the road
*adds 50lb of bird seed to cart*
Acme online: people who buy this also buy
– bird-feeder
– giant mouse trap
– jet-propelled pogo stick
– painting fake tunnels for dummies
-first aid kit
– anvil
I should have peed before I left and other things I’ll never learn: A memoir
Everyone needs to leave Twitter right now.
A pipe burst.
My dad had a new radiator fitted, then realised you could no longer open the drawer. So he remade the drawer like this to correct his mistake. This sort of thing explains a lot of my upbringing.
I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.
fondly reminiscing about the time i overslept for work by six hours and didn’t get fired
I want to be on maternity leave but without the baby.
Raised and lowered my arm today so my Fitbit will stop alerting people that I’m dead.
“You can’t build your own man.” They told me. But they underestimate my low standards. And my shopping cart full of luncheon meats.
Relationship status: Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown to kick. She’s Lucy. I’m the football.
I’d expect Captain America to be fatter.
Names that sound like Tarzan describing people:
William Hurt
Emily Blunt
Edgar Wright
John Goodman
Shelley Long
Timothy Treadwell
Emma Stone
Jack Black
The best way to avoid unnecessary arguments with your sexual partner is by agreeing the price in writing before you start.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.