To avoid the awkward 5 minutes, lean over and give the cashier butterfly kisses while waiting for your 500 foot CVS receipt.
You Might Also Like
Damn girl, are you an old ATM touchscreen? ‘Cause I’m pushing ALL the wrong buttons.
I’m too immature to use a recipe that calls for cumin.
These are troubling times, but as an incredibly drunk philosopher once said, “you can’t make lemonade without breaking a few eggs”
[Day 5]
GOD: What do you think?
ANGEL: You’re tired. Why don’t we try making the birds tomorrow.
Maybe I’m not depressed. Maybe I just think moving trains need hugs too.
A new study finds that sausages are often linked to other sausages
Me singing a couple lines of a song: Alexa find this for me
Alexa: playing video
“Top 10 Creepiest Animal Sounds”
“WHAT THE…SON OF A..WHY ISN’T THIS- oh.”
*takes plastic shield off razor*
Me: I swear you’ll be the death of me
Murderer: lol
Just said, “Because I said so!,” and my mom called demanding her royalty check.
Netflix plants your dna at various crime scenes while you are asleep.
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
Next week my wife and I are going to Chicago to celebrate our anniversary. If you are around, want to meet and catch up, please let me know so I can avoid you.
My wife and I will be sleeping.
i love googling stuff. imagine not being able to google stuff. i would know next to nothing about the great molasses flood of 1919.
Apparently, “No kidding!” isn’t a good response when your boss says he’s confused.
not seeing the problem
My neighbour is pissed. My recycle bin has missing for months so I’ve been using hers. My boyfriend is missing too. Same situation.
CHILD: I thought you liked Froot Loops.
TOUCAN SAM: *eating an egg salad sandwich he brought from home* Look, kid, it’s just a job.
Pretty rude of Instagram to put a bunch of ads for shapewear in my feed dominated by food porn… I mean, they’re not wrong, but it’s still rude
i should be the upstairs neighbor. i should be the one spilling marbles. it should be me up there
WORST THINGS THAT CAN HAPPEN WHILE SKYDIVING
4. Parachute fails
3. Eagle pecks your eyes out
2. You see your house from the sky & notice your parents making love in the garden
1. You’re blown off course & land at a friend’s wedding you said you couldn’t attend because you’re ill
So the mullet is back but ffs don’t bring back the rat’s tail.
It’s pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I’m not going to eat them all in one sitting.
I think college costs are so high because at that point parents are willing to pay anything to get their kids out of the house.
I’m exactly like Rocky in that, I challenge people to fight while I’m slurring my words.
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
[break-in]
BURGLAR: [cracks safe]
COP: Not so fast, kiddo
BURGLAR: [cracks safe more slowly]
I off-handedly mentioned to my husband I hadn’t eaten anything today and he was kind enough to remind me I had a large caramel latte that was “probably a good 500 calories right there!”
I was riding my bike this morning and a guy yelled “Cow” at me. I turned and gave him the finger…and ran straight into the cow.
[ouija board]
“helo??”
YOUR… SPIRIT…
“shh its working”
WILL… APPEAR…
“omg”
AFTER… THIS… AD…
“dude why didnt u pay for this ouija board??!”