To graduate DJ school you have to pass your vinyls.
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Confidence is important.
Because wishy-washy just will not get you a prescription for the good drugs.
The twins brought in significantly less candy than I purchased. Running Halloween at a deficit is simply not acceptable.
[shitfaced at my HS reunion] Has anyone seen the lunch lady
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
If you gave a million monkeys a million keyboards & let them bang away at the keys all day…then you’d have Twitter.
wait do british people think smashing pumpkins means really good pumpkins?
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
GPS: We have arrived at the bank.
Me: Okay, great.
GPS: There are no cops within eight minutes of the bank.
Me: …What?
GPS: It takes three minutes to write a note and get to the front of the line.
Me: I’m not going to rob —
GPS: *Sigh* Fine. We never do anything fun
Schrödinger: Happy anniversary!
Schrödinger’s wife: Thank you! I wonder what’s in the box!
Schrödinger: [Realizes he grabbed the wrong box and starts sweating]
Me: Don’t do anything special for my birthday.
*People do special things for my birthday*
Me: Oh thank God.
[On a Ferris wheel]
Him *kisses her* this is so perfect!
Her *kisses him back* and so romantic!
Me: It’s weird these things have 3 seats
interviewer: how well do you perform under pressure?
me: I’m better at bohemian rhapsody to be honest
guy at bar: if u have a problem say it to my face
me: [leaning close] my boss called me lazy
With the rubber gloves, face masks, face shields, condoms, and smell of Lysol…sex isn’t as fun as it used to be.
Your call is very important to us, here’s six days of irritating music.
Turns out I can hold my breath with a pillow over my face way longer than an old person. Innocent mistake..
Since I got my iPhone eleventeen last week I have taken about 47 screenshots of my Home Screen just trying to turn the gd thing off.
I loved him with a fervor I normally reserved for carrot cake.
That.
New medication warning label says not to take in the presence of two or more goats.
waiter: would you like a table?
me: yes, the multiplication please
*me at Target*
“Hey baby, you want some of this?”
*offering to share my chocolate Twizzlers*
Her: *calls security*
~Flirting is so hard
ME: Sorry I made things weird in bed last night
WIFE: Ok, but you’re still wearing the Shrek mask.
[superhero meeting]
“What’s your enemy called?”
“Dr Doom. Yours?”
“Joker”
[stifles laughter]
“I HAVE OTHERS”
“Ye-”
“Penguin”
[just loses it]
Why not call baby pigs “hamlets” ?
FRIEND: where do you work
ME: I can’t tell you
FRIEND: really? like it’s top secret?
ME [unemployed]: correct
[job interview]
“Name one of your strengths”
I didn’t stab anyone today
“That’s not-”
Yesterday wasn’t so good tho
Every one hides their keys under a rock, it’s way too obvious folks.
Instead, try hiding it somewhere no one will ever expect, like in an active wasp nest or in your dogs mouth.
Me, telling the kids were eating Mexican tonight.
13, on phone with friend: We’re going to eat chinchillas for dinner…
Me: CHIMICHANGAS!! It’s chimichangas not chinchillas…🤦🏻♀️
Normally I’m a curmudgeon who doesn’t think young people have anything worthwhile to say, but then today a 20 year old changed my mind when she told me I looked 10 years younger than I am.
After how many years should you clean your microwave?