Not to brag, but my father bit someone’s ear off long before Mike Tyson made it cool.
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Is it better to beat someone to the punch or punch someone to the beat?
I don’t know about eating 8 spiders a year but I’m definitely eating kilos of dog fur.
[on a plane]
Captain: I have bad news
Passengers: *gasp*
Captain: the middle class is dying
Passengers: oh, that’s true
Captain: first class might survive
Passengers: what
Captain: *tries to land the plane backwards*
I’ve reached the age where people talk loudly and slowly to me.
my son needs help with his math project so i did what any good parent would do. i slipped out the back door and started a new life in costa rica
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
There aren’t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.
People say I look amazing at my age. I just follow a simple routine of adding 10 years when I tell them how old I am.
Should I buy a pizza? Heads I do, tales I ignore the coin.
I’m over here having to get my kids snacks and stressing about life yet my parents are just sitting in their house, retired.
Put a mirror on the ceiling.
She said.
It will be sexy.
She said.
Terrify yourself every morning.
I found out.
“When i bump into an old friend, but we can’t remember our names”
Friend: Hey, if you have a gambling problem, there’s a number you should call
Me: I bet it starts with an 8
i work in the toll booth and i listen to smooth operator and i sing along but i say booth operator
I’m fine, doctor. My heart rate was elevated because I was thinking about tacos
Things that are loud:
Jet engines
Dynamite
Opening a bag of Sun Chips at a funeral
Rock concerts
Carrots cant float. But if you tie fishy wire to one and hang it in the air and look at it from far away, it almost look like its floating
THE INVENTOR OF THE HUG: if you feel uncomfortable now, get ready to feel even more uncomfortable
Google Pay be like:
Winnie the Pooh is an addict who doesn’t wear pants and lives in the woods. If he were a person, he’d be the first suspect in every crime.
I’m not average. I’m mean.
I got attacked by a cat with no claws today. Reminded me of getting mugged by a canadian…
I think tomorrow I’m going to respond to everyone using only lyrics from songs by The Dead Deads. Wish me some luck at the DMV.
I’m the Usain Bolt of running late
Letting the grocery bagger bring my groceries out sounds nice but I can’t handle trying to remember where I parked in front of a stranger.
Of all the bad habits I’ve taught my kids, reassembling Club wrappers so they look like there is still a chocolate biscuit inside is the one that’s come back to bite me the fastest so far.
Just realized I follow Barack Obama and he follows me back. Excuse me while I send the leader of the free world a DM about Harry Potter.
You can’t change your past but you can change your pasta.
My generation acts like they invented podcasts but my mom has been leaving 40min voicemails since before the internet.
[death row]
prison chef: would you like to request a final meal?
me: yes, casserole, but can you cook it for twenty five years