Why do I say “no” to necklaces? Oh, I dunno, maybe it’s because I’m not gonna do fully 50% of a strangler’s job for him.
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If this whole twitter thing doesn’t work out, we can all get jobs writing for a company that makes mildly disturbing fortune cookies.
DATE: …so that’s how I ended up at Harvard Law!
ME: Sometimes I make a fruit salad in my mouth by biting into different kinds of fruit LOL
Just saw someone refer to a cat as a spicy dog…this is the only way now.
GIRL: There are these two black holes that collided & released more energy than a trillion stars
ME: Damn that sucks. I would never do that
FB: you have memories to look back on
Wine: i’ll take care of this
Shout out to my buddy who wears a Toronto Blue Jays hat bc he’s “not so much a fan of THE Blue Jays as much as blue jays in general”
dad was helping me with my finances and used a moldy orange to represent my credit score 😕
The grass is greener on whatever side of the fence you water it. Stay in your own yard. Trespassers get shot in my yard.
My child is as cold as ice I wonder where they get that from
I said “You’re not the boss of me” to my boss and it came true.
My Cat Made Me Think She Didn’t Have Dinner Yet. I Never Thought I Could Fall For A Scam. My latest in The Cut.
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
I lost my cool when I had to click on a heart three times before it would stick.
I’d probably make a lousy paramedic.
Pro tip-If you bring a toy boat into a hot tub and repeatedly reenact the Titanic, in a few mins you’ll have the entire hot tub to yourself.
An English version of Cookie Monster called Biscuit Gentlemen who always wants biscuits but also uses the word please, because we’re not savages.
You must be radiating feminine mystique because every man in the cafe is looking at you, and then you realize there’s a TV over your head.
Coworker: Can you keep a secret?
Me: Nope.
There is a closet in my office men’s room. I have left it slightly ajar & put a clown mask in there.
Now there is piss all over the floor.
My gummy vitamins melted together so I’m just gonna take a bite out of this every day instead of letting them go to waste
modern skincare be like “the best way to have good skin is to destroy the skin you already have. here put some acid on it, burn that shit right off”
Wildflowers are just regular flowers that go clubbing until 4 a.m. and snort coke off of each other’s tramp stamps.
Me: If Captain America and The Hulk got married they could name their kid Star-Spangled Banner
Therapist: we should start meeting twice a day
I just saw Beauty and the Beast and now all I want to do is live with a water buffalo and talk to my furniture
[judging dog show]
DOG: [barks]
ME: [ticks clipboard] This one’s working fine
AUDIENCE MEMBER: You have misunderstood what’s required of you
I told a joke during a zoom meeting today. Nobody laughed. It turns out, I’m not even remotely funny
when my sister was like 5 she wrote a note to the easter bunny that said “happy easter are you a boy or a girl” and my mom left a typed note that said “sorry i can’t read i’m just a bunny”
MOST RESTAURANTS:
Waiter: “Have you dined with us before?”
You: “No.”
Waiter: “Oh! Well, (*proceeds to describe a normal restaurant*)”
On the toilet for 20 minutes. Wish you were here.
Added my sticker to the family on the back of your van I am in your family now you have to bring me to costco every time you go.