I’m not high maintenance at all. All I want from a partner is the understanding that I need to feel worshipped whilst also being mostly left alone.
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It’s so strange, my 5 yr old is only “starving to death” when he hears the word “bedtime”
What a random, consistent, coincidence
Watching cartoons with my son is awesome except for all the commercials & now his Christmas list has 26,724 things on it. Shit.
Last night, I fell asleep with one of those new e-cigarettes in my mouth.I woke up half an hour later and my whole house was on the internet
No, thanks. Five hours of energy sounds terrifying.
I finally found a reason to live again.
My wife’s favorite position is where I’m bent over the kitchen sink doing the dishes.
When I’m feeling inadequate, I remember that there are women who marry their prison pen pals, and then my own decisions don’t seem so bad.
I wanted to cook alligator for tonight’s dinner,
but then I remembered that I only have a croc pot.#RubbishJokes #DadJokes #AmazingFacts
Kids: Always remember to brush your drugs and don’t do teeth.
Finally had ‘The Talk’ with my kids last night.
Told them some animals eat their young, so they’d better get their shit together before dinner
Ex is bringing my kids back home. Time to strategically place the panties I bought from Victoria’s secret around the house
I told my mom that “trying to smash” was slang for going to smashburger and now I deeply regret it
chicken: [stamps out cigarette] have you even once considered that THIS is the other side of the road?
Child just ran by screaming WHERE’S THE PLUNGER GET TOWELS LOTS OF TOWELS so anyway how is your day going?
People think I’m being fancy when I wear a dress for the holiday but the joke’s on them because I’m about to absolutely smash like 20lbs of food and baby this thing is built not only for style but for COMFORT
[Watching Netflix]
ME: Ohhhhh…I never thought about paying off a funeral home to get rid of the body…genius.
HIM: What??
ME: What?
*uneasily answers phone
‘Guess who?’
David?
‘No’
John?
‘No’
Mike?
‘No’
Steve?
‘No, I made you very happy the other night’
Haagen Daz?
‘NO’
Pizza Hut?
I think police forgot which organized group of white dudes with shaved heads they are.
When I force-quit my computer and then start it again, it turns into my parents. It’s not angry, just disappointed that Windows was not shut down properly.
therapist: *holds up inkblot test* what do u see
me: a therapist with no professional boundaries shoving their shitty art into my face
therapist: please take this seriously.
me: ok it’s a car
therapist: no it’s us holding hands :/
[first day on bomb squad]
blue red yada yada yada i get the gist
It’s not enough to get up at 8 am & freeze on the soccer field. One must also scream from the sidelines so everyone knows you care.
Answering every phone call, text and email today with,
“NOT TODAY, SATAN, NOT TODAY”!
If these origami self defence classes have taught me anything, it’s…. well it’s how to make a paper goose actually, I think i’ve been had
Thankful public education taught us Algebra instead of how to do taxes. Because 2 things are certain:
1) Death
2) The Pythagorean Theorem
[grocery store, frozen aisle]
Me: *inhales, stretches arms high*
OmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmClerk: ma’am are you doing yoga?
Me: oh no, I’m just trying to reach dinner peas
hear me out- let’s have pet sitters release one harmless flying insect into your home every 2 days you’re gone to keep the pets amused
a crowd trying to stone me to death but i keep catching them in my pockets
HR said that me trying to woo a colleague with a banjo is not what “challenge yourself in the workplace” actually meant.
I’ll bet Timmy would never have fallen down that well if his parents would’ve coughed up the money for a HUMAN instead of a dog babysitter.