My child is sniffing a bruise on his arm to figure out how badly it hurts.
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[Couples therapy]
WIFE: I hate the way he pronounces “food” like “feud”.
THERAPIST: And you, sir?
ME: She’s always in a bad mude.
I don’t get Twitter drama! I’m here to make friends, not argue
Me, 30 seconds later:
People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point.
The glass is refillable!That 👊
“I’d like you to meet my half sister.”
“Different fathers?”
“Shark attack.”
Sometimes? I’m slipping
You can buy a 48-pack of referee whistles on Amazon for $8. Give them to the kids of people you hate.
When my kids were little they’d say the cleverest things to total strangers like, “My mom drove into the garage door when it was shut.”
9-year-old: Can I spend the night at my friend’s house this weekend?
Me: Sure.
9: Can I spend two nights?
Me: You can live there. Just tell her mom to send over the papers.
[interview to be an undercover agent]
Chief: Janine, can you send in the next applicant
Janine: yes sir; next!
[the large potted plant in the corner of the room stands up]
Chief: Janine, can you send home the remaining applicants
The #AshleyMadisonHack is getting out of hand. Site just revealed that I’ve been cheating on my diet. I’m not even sure how they’d know that
Nearly having a panic attack when you hear “tickets, please!” as you sit in the correct seat holding your fully valid train ticket.
flea markets are crazy. an old woman will be like “this pendant belonged to my grandfather who forged it himself during the great war. it’s yours for $3.”
I told the kids they’ve stressed me out so much I burst a vessel in my eye, so they brought me a plate of cheese.
I was hoping for a clean kitchen but I am disarmingly soothed.
Those are not the screams of an animal caught in a bear trap, they’re the bleatings of a dog banished to the back yard and rendering her unable to run assist with the repairman.
We have nothing to fear but fear itself, and spiders, and bears, and scientists, and scientists creating spider bears, and science bears
Yeah I’m married, but get one thing straight, I do WHAT I want, WHEN I wanfdsskk THIS IS SHAUN’S WIFE, HE HAS TO GO NOW, HE SAYS GOODNIGHT.
The Shining is on…
…can’t decide if I should watch it or just keep living it.
If we put aside our differences and work together, I truly believe we can come up with a few more alternate spellings of the name Britney.
If she’s your girlfriend why is she leaning over the side of the boat to touch me in a way she will never touch you?
I am so used to automatic doors at work that when I come across one I have to physically open I just stand there like a dummy
*drops exactly one thinly-sliced piece of ham in each child’s Halloween bag*
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yeah
Cop: Oh ok nevermind
Her: so yeah i’m a palaeontologist, it means i know a lot about dinosaurs basically, do you have a favourite dinosaur?
Me: *visibly sweating* umm…umm…REPTAR.
Her: …
Me: …
Her: …like…like from rugrats?
Me: …he had a wagon
They’re not wrong
[my future self comes back in time]
HIM: here’s every sports score for the next 20 years
ME: great, thanks for ruining the games for me
Wife and daughter are doing a Friends marathon. It’s on 24/7.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.
if food packaging listed side effects like drug labels do:
ice cream: intense pleasure followed by self loathing
kale: smug sense of superiority
bacon: bacon
i put “wake up” and “try to breathe” on my to-do list and long story short it’s 9:30am and guess who’s already had a productive day
Ian: “I baked you a pie to say sorry for backing over your cat in my car.”
Tim: “You did what?!”
Ian: “Baked you a pie.”
Doctor said I need to eat more salad.