Me: I need the other guy
Him: I’m the head surgeon
Me: [with a broken foot] exactly
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11 y/o Daughter: [opens xmas present] uh..cable ties?
Wife: she asked for a pony..
Me: a pony? ..SHE CAN’T EVEN LOOK AFTER HER CABLES LINDA
put ur hair in a man-bun. now put ur beard in a man-bun too. congratulations ur now a hamburger. be free, hamburger man.
It’s important to set an alarm the first day of school, so you remember to pick up the kids
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Coffee costs less
Than a dinner for two
What do we want?
SOME GOOD DECISIONS!When do we want them?
BEFORE LAST NIGHT!
My cactus judges
All of the other houseplants
For how much they drink
I often worry about the safety of my children … Especially the one who is still awake at midnight and talking back right now.
[McDonald’s drive thru]
ME: i’d like a happy meal with a coke
HIM: will that be a regular coke or an eight ball?
me: yay, i’m getting to bed on time!
my brain: let’s obsess over how you’ll protect your children if you’re at the beach during a tsunami
Pretending not to see the judgemental looks of other shoppers in the meat department as I continue to make all the hams kiss.
At least there’s one other woman who’s more wasted than me in this emergency room.
No, my mistake, she’s got dementia.
I had to memorize a random 18 digit password before she’d let me in. Guess who stole your Soap Opera Digest out of the mailbox, Mom?
My dog just came downstairs with a tie and a bottle of aftershave in his mouth so I guess he wants to go out.
what the hell pray for carter everyone
babe is everything okay? you’ve barely touched your pile of hundreds of elaborate projects you start but never finish
[job interview]
“Have any questions?”
Think the 3 Little Pigs hired the Big Bad Wolf to blow their houses down to collect insurance money?
My husband asked if I know the attractive, young woman who jogs down our street every day around lunch and this is one way to lose an office with a view.
Apparently, the new iPhone 13 Pro Max will help you lose weight pretty quickly..
..
..
..Because once you buy it, you won’t be able to afford food for 3 months !!
10yo: You know that’s not what they mean by exercise, right?
Me: Pfft. [continues shaking Fitbit up and down]
My gf 1 month in: haha OMG I love your Twitter. I definitely don’t think it’s weird, it’s so clever!
My gf 2nd month: listen
[date]
Me: ‘Don’t let her know ur a boxing ring announcer…’
Her: “Shall we order dessert?”
Me: “LET’S GET READY TO EAT APPLE CRUUUUMBLE!”
[my sister, discussing her two-year-olds]: yeah they haven’t yet realized that if they don’t eat breakfast, they’ll be in a horrible mood later
[me, just realizing my bad mood was caused by skipping breakfast]: yeah….idiot babies
You guys realize St. Valentine was beheaded, right?
I sleep with my clothes on and one eye open. Not because I’m scared, but my zipper is broken and I’ve had too much botox on one side.
At this late date, the only way I’m gonna be famous is if I save a baby from a fire. And the baby is filming the whole thing with his phone.
What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed?
Oh sheet.
I don’t hold grudges. I pose with them.
celebrities name their kids things like Moon Unit, Lyra Antarctica, and North but call their dog Dave
Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?
My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…
All excellent questions