Laugh, and the world laughs with you…
Keep saying “LOL” out loud, and you’ll die alone.(For Judy in Accounting)
You Might Also Like
just got an email from HR that there will be no winners for the quarterly employee appreciation award because everyone who was nominated in the last three months has quit
My boss says that I have some exciting new assignments coming, whoa buddy, I will be the judge of that.
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
I’ve said some things, and if I could take them back I would, but if it’s not too late, I’d like my sub toasted
Why do people say “no pun intended,” when they could just say, “pununintended?”
This Job Fair sucks, it doesn’t even have rides.
The “Slow Children Playing” signs always make me sad. Would it cost that much more to thrown in punctuation?
I was so touched last week when a shopkeeper handed my 3yo a donut without checking with me, that today I gave his teen a bag of heroin.
The danger of me asking why people don’t like Taylor Swift’s new boyfriend is that someone might tell me.
80 years ago we would have all been institutionalized and I think that’s beautiful
Parents would stop celebrating thier children’s first steps if they knew what was about to go down after they master that shit
If someone offered to give me a million dollars to name the two teams playing sportsball today, I’d make exactly no dollars.
Well, look who I ran into at the liquor store. First I thought he was shopping so didn’t wanna bother him, but then I saw the shirt and thought “wait a minute, he works here?!”
Turns out, he’s the owner. A quiet life away from the glitz & glam. May we all learn a thing or two 🙌
*gets down on 1 knee*
OMG
*puts 2nd knee down*
WHAT?
*lays on floor*
JIM?
*snake noises*
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
*slithers out of relationship*
Ever notice how much easier it is to be nice to people when they’re leaving?
I don’t know why Coca-Cola and Pepsi are fighting over what Santa drinks, everybody knows that big fat belly can only come from beers.
Remember when Tarantino released that movie and there wasn’t a single dog or reservoir and we all just accepted it
My 4yo thinks you age a whole year in one night, so she’s scrutinizing me closely for any changes today. I’m tempted to put on a bald cap or blacken out some teeth.
[things I worry about on vacation]
1) Getting eaten by a shark
2) Worrying that I didn’t get eaten by a shark because it assumed I tasted funny
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
inventor of shirts: sleeves are awesome
inventor of vests: disagree
inventor of turtlenecks: there should be three of them
My 2yr old pointed at my crotch and said, “Big pee pee!” I’m taking him with me everywhere I go from now on.
I asked my magic 8 ball about my romantic future and it said “I hope you like cats.”
Got a piece of mail today addressed to “Epic” instead of “Eric” and finally somebody truly gets me.
Cobra’s try and act tough by wearing a hoodie
I hate when there’s a knock on your door and you open the door and it’s someone.
No good deed goes unposted on social media.
Shout out to the lady at the gym who just yelled into her phone ‘THE ONLY PROBLEM IN MY LIFE IS YOU BRIAN’; hung up and went right back to her workout
I want to see a combination celebrity chef and magician. Like when they put it in the oven it was baked risotto but when they take it out of the oven it’s corn dogs.
Legend states that when you’re struggling with the kids and at your absolute breaking point, a stranger will immediately appear to say, ‘you sure look like you have your hands full’ before laughing and walking away