You Might Also Like
“what if your employer sees how embarrassing you are on twitter” sir my employer sees first-hand how embarrassing i am every day
Dating tip: Before you think he’s attractive—stop, breathe, and take a moment to think… is he attractive, or is he just a bowl of lasagna?
Two wolves? Cute. I’ve got 8 pieces of pizza in me
SCIENTISTS: there are only 90 seconds remaining on the doomsday clock
ME: [73 seconds still remaining on my microwave hotdog] c’mon… c’monnn
If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.
Me: We’re going to get a new ventilation system installed, will make the house much healthier
7: Why is it unhealthy, it’s never even had junk food?
“Another job replaced by automation” I lament as a tornado seamlessly delivers a newspaper to every driveway on the block
Getting fat sucks
Just not as much as vegetables
Just because we’ve been friends for ten years doesn’t mean I know your kids’ names.
I wear a Fanny Pack to Olive Garden just so I can steal more breadsticks.
Make your own bacon by tricking 30-50 feral hogs into running headlong through a harp.
5 kept asking Alexa what time his friend was coming over today. he was getting pissed when she didn’t know the answer.
dude may be able to work a tablet better than me but it’s good to be reassured i’m still smarter.
power’s been out for a bit. candlelight is less sexy when you’re using it to feed your puking baby whilst eating cold soup
morpheus wrapping the red pill in a piece of cheese so i’ll take it
I swear Amazon is just dropping random shit off in front of my house at this point.
me: one Big Mac with no cherries
cashier: cherries?
me: no thanks
me: do u take walk-ins?
morgue: what
“TGIM!” – My liver
Carpe DM
In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.
I saw my close personal friend Jim smelling chairs at the movie theater this morning and when he saw me watching he just said “no one will believe you”
Shout out to countless marine organisms who died, accreted on the seafloor, and compacted for eons so I could drive my Escalade to Kmart.
Me: Do not ‘K’ me again.
Daughter: Que
Me: In any language.
Her: SiThis is why I’m crazy.
Sometimes you need to give someone a second chance, those are the times there are no stairs around to push them down
Get a puppy if you are in the market for a best friend who gets you up at 5 am so she can bite you excitedly
daddy how does Santa go to everyone’s house by morning?
“I dunno, time travel”
time travel isn’t real
“neither is Santa, go to bed”
dentist: u need to floss
me: no
dentist: my other patient who wouldn’t floss lost all his teeth
me: really
dentist: in a fistfight
me: that sounds unrelated
dentist: it was my fist. do what i say
Plays “In Your Eyes” on the kazoo outside your window, dressed like a potato.
Every mega rich guy has been or is becoming super interested in ways to get off of the planet. Seems fine
Hubs cleaned out the garage without being asked so I’m looking back over the Ashley Madison list just in case I missed something.