It was an unfortunate incident, but at least Doug learned he should never lick his light saber after using it to cut chocolate cake.
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“It was M. Day Shyamalan all along!” – The ultimate twist
Her: I really need to learn to say “no”.
Me: I’ll introduce you to my wife.
if you ever wanna impress a girl just bring a baby on your date and then basically just outperform the baby at everything it’s really easy
4YO: Mom, you just yawned. That means you’re tired.
6YO: No, she just sighed. It means she’s had it with you.
I saved a ton of money by eating all my groceries before getting to the register.
Without telling me where you live tell me your social security number and mother’s maiden name.
When’s dinner?
-My kids an hour after finishing Thanksgiving dinner
ME: Got any hobbies?
DATE: I’m a big horse fan
ME: You’re thinking of a giraffe
I gotta go grocery shopping. I’m the only snack left in the house.
The worlds largest aircraft prototype is called the Air Lander 10. The helium pumped hybrid aircraft consists of an airplane, airship and helicopter built all in one.
My dog talks a lot of shit for something that is scared of cotton balls.
Boss: Your career is like a phoenix.
Me: You mean you expect it to rise from the ashes?
Boss: No, I mean it’s entirely imaginary.
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: Yes. 9 millimetre.
ME: *writing ‘probably a T-Rex’ in my notebook* Thank you.
Husband: Did you put “Deadly Wives” and “Why Women Kill” on our watchlist?
Me, picking up his socks sitting on the floor next to the laundry basket: Should’ve added “How to Get Away with Murder” as well.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
Welcome to your forties! You’re gonna need several doctors, no matter how many apples
Forget a beach bod I want a bat’s bod give me giant fangs and the long, leathery wings I need to rule the night
Scheduled an appointment with a trauma specialist to help me address some of the shit I’ve gone through. She’s quite expensive but I think if I don’t do this I’ll probably die so if you’re interested in buying a painting that would be awesome. Check the Insta link in my bio
Piglet: *sees recipe book* Honey-glazed…Pooh, what’s ham?
WinniethePooh: A food that goes well with honey. Now, how about a nice hot bath?
this royal photo stuff… funny how you all suddenly feel like you have a license to talk about women’s bodies… newsflash: some women have zippers in their hair. some women’s legs are too small and oddly bent in on themselves. some women don’t have reflections
Mistakes movie theater popcorn butter for hand sanitizer
Hilarity ensues
I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.
Spent 5 minutes enjoying the smoothest shave of my life before realizing I forgot to take the plastic cover off the razor.
Stages of gardening:
1. Excitedly gather supplies
2. Start pulling weeds
3. Kneel in nest of ants
4. Get bitten by 40 ants
5. Be done gardening
Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.
If he calls you clingy, move in immediately without warning and decorate his bed with 57 throw pillows
A kid next to me at Starbucks says I smell like his dad. I’m like ‘Well, your Dad’s an alcoholic. Scram!’
I no longer dislike Mondays, i’m mature now… I dislike the whole week.
A surprise Hunger Games competition for everyone who makes eye contact with me today in the office.
Please don’t tag me in photos where I’m not wearing my roller skates, I’m looking for a boyfriend.
Mom: why do you drink so much
Me: *stares at mom*