Easy enough.
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This is amazing.
Dear parents of college students on Spring Break, Congrats!!! Many of you are about to be grandparents!!!
Sex is great and all but have you ever been tased in a Dairy Queen parking lot?
[Explaining nomenclature to my niece]
Well, you see, celebrities used up all the good names the year you were born, Fancy Feast.
Kids often make sketchy claims that can be easily laughed off but once in awhile you find yourself doing things like checking to see whether “confuzzled” is actually a word.
There’s no rule that says only fruit can be put in water infusers. But let me tell you, people get real weirded out when you put beef jerky and cheese in there.
If a Stork is responsible for bringing babies, what bird prevents them?
A Swallow.
My idiot doctor tried to tell me I had a concussion, so I told him triangle bananas.
*does the robot*
*crowd goes wild*
*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
Hate being a funeral director
“why’d u take the job?”
I inherited it from my dad
“You could’ve just declined it”
And lose my first customer?
Relax, everything will be fine eventually, for like 7 people
dinosaur: omg a meteor
t-rex clark kent: *desperately trying to remove his glasses with his tiny arms*
“My dream is to create something that both dogs and fraternity brothers will enjoy chasing with equal vigor.” — inventor of the frisbee
I guess I shouldn’t have had 3 cookies… Now, I’m being judged.
You lied! Santa Claus is NOT real, mom! If “mom” is even your real name…
[Neighbor to mom] hi Susan!
*kid faints*
*3 running a brush through my hair*
3: I’m making your hair pretty
Me: Thank you
3: instead of so ugly
Me:
Me attempting to flirt: So do you also like eating food?
Its funny how your parents tell you its their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.
[having daughter’s new boyfriend (who I think is a caveman) over for dinner]
so dave, how is work? *lights candle and watches his reaction*
My girlfriend never can hear me when I’m talking to her but when I’m talking about her she can hear me from the neighbor’s house
What’s that, Lassie? Timmy’s in trouble? His marriage is falling apart? He’s having an existential crisis? I’ve got my own problems, Lassie.
Egyptologist 1: *carefully brushing away dust from the cartouche on sandstone*
Egyptologist 2: What’s it say?
Egyptologist 1: *Studying hieroglyphics* It says, “Your third most used gif is how you really feel about Ramesses III”.
People often name their kids after their favourite movie characters. I don’t know why my daughter Chewbacca is so upset with me.
ANGEL ON MY SHOULDER: You should do that important but onerous task
DEVIL: No! Ignore it and have fun!
ME: Hm. Okay, compromise: I’ll ignore the task, BUT I also won’t have any fun
ANGEL: That doesn’t–
DEVIL: wtf, dude, no
ME: *scrolls through Twitter for 3 hours*
The worst part about re-watching Home Alone is you just know Kevin’s parents bought this house for like $250K.
Would you rather have a normal childhood or a sense of humor?
A drop of roof water hit my face and I reacted like it was liquid herpes.
Me: I don’t have time for anxiety. I have so much to do before tomorrow.
Anxiety: Ha! Good one. You’re funny!
Me: Funny how?
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras