I don’t “make friends”. I get adopted by extroverts and they make me do things.
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What idiot called it a meal of light colored carnival bus tickets of appropriate price and not a fair fair fair fare fare
“You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours.”
Me: Are you sure you passed dermatology school?
I don’t know about anyone else but the second I see a cop in my rear view mirror..I know he’s running my plates and about to pull me over for the bank heist I imagined last week..
I try not to worry about things outside of my control, or things that are the direct result of my deliberate choices.
children: Are those Giant spiders going to eat us?
Dumbledore: Check out this toast that butters itself!
Rapunzel is my favorite story about a girl who would do anything to have her hair pulled.
we planned to renew our vows but my wife got cold feet so we are just regular married still
You can’t break me, kid. My generation survived dial-up AOL and texting on a flip phone.
The world would be a better place if we all got along like the “Price Is Right” audience.
people will refuse to download tiktok because it’s a time suck but then spend four hours a day sending you reels on instagram that you saw on tiktok three months ago
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
Only a fool would use the toothbrush the dentist gives you. You think the dentist would freely hand you the tools that would keep them away?
[at a wake]
Me: *closes coffin to set my drink down* so, what are you doing after this
Widow: wow
Baker: what should we call these delightful little pastries
Hannibal Lector: lady fingers
“What would you say is your greatest weakness?”
Probably my tendency to stalk and murder people who won’t hire me.
[millipede preschool]
head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes…
*gets summoned to the spider court*
YOU ARE HEREBY CHARGED WITH THE CRUSHING OF 4 SPIDERS
HOW DO YOU PLEAD?
*places glass over spider judge*
The worst is when you’re on a cruise ship that turns into an Autobot to fight a sea monster and you had a decent game of shuffleboard going
How did girls text before emojis?
Hey I can’t wait to see you tonight! PARTY HAT MARTINI GLASS NOISEMAKER BEER MUG CAT DOG SUNGLASSES POOP
No more eating spaghetti while driving and this time I mean it.
“Do you want to hold my baby?”
Yeah nice try. You got yourself into this mess you hold your own damn baby.
Quitting the gym because it’s easier, quicker and cheaper to simply invite my friends over for dinner every day and make them fatter than me
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12 and my body possibly died in the Civil War.
A friend is in jail and I can’t help feeling partially responsible because I framed him for murder.
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me, on the couch, wondering if it’s safe to bite into my Hot Pocket
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
Does the steam hitting me in the face when opening the dishwasher door before it’s drying cycle ends count as a spa day.
Cause I think it does.
I don’t friend zone people I relationship zone them. You want to be my friend? Too bad, we’re dating.
Merica.
If we’re sharing dessert at a restaurant and you’re eating it at a quicker rate than me, I will kill you.