I put the hummingbird feeder by the other bird feeders so the hummingbirds are forced to learn some social skills.
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To err is human… To not know what err means is American.
A great vocabulary is such a turn on. A guy used the word “bifurcated” during a meeting and I almost threw my panties at him.
if your body is a temple then mine is a haunted house on Scooby Doo
If I lived in Alabama, I’d name my daughter, ‘Banjo-lina”.
MAGICIAN: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat*
ME [a one upper]: *reaches over and pulls a hat out of the rabbit*
MAGICIAN: holy shit
[Interrogation room]
Me: *throws chair at wall* TALK
Chair: OK OK…the beast keeps the rose in his chambers
Kids make friends in 5 seconds, adults make friends in 5 drinks.
(On a date at Whole Foods) “Isn’t this place great?”
Cashier: “Sir, please stop standing on the dates.”
Should I call tech support or pray or what
*panics during bank robbery*
“Uhhhh hi yeah I’d like to put this gun in my safety deposit box”
In high school I only played the trombone so I could hit people and make it look like an accident.
I just got arrested for felonious mopery
My favorite state to visit?
Unconsciousness
People who would say “I can’t believe it’s not butter” are the same people who support all those Nigerian princes.
I realized if I whisper at Alexa, she whispers back
I wish it worked on everyone
Overheard a woman telling another woman “It’s $150 and she supplies all the turtles” and whatever it is, I’m in.
Wife: You won’t believe what Diane did at work today
Me: (thinking, “I don’t care”)
Wife: I heard that
Remember, if someone doesn’t like the same style of peanut butter as you, it’s a personal attack
*holds door for someone*
Them: This weather…
Me: No.
*starts pulling door closed on them*
T: *pulls on door*
Me: *holding door closed*
No.
I’m convinced that anytime you call customer service they check your twitter to see if you have enough followers to bash them before they do anything for you
He who understands women, dies under mysterious circumstances…
I don’t go to high school reunions because Facebook lets me judge my old classmates every day and not just every 10 years
The only bright side to food poisoning is weighing yourself when it’s over.
Too much work, not enough rich vampire boyfriend who cleans my house.
Her: You’ve changed.
Chameleon: Jesus, Karen, not this again.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Was it the air guitar?
Cop: *shy* Yeah can… can I get your autograph?
Me: Happens all the time.
Cop: Thanks!
Me: Hey! This is a ticket!
*Meets new person, forgets their name two seconds after they say it. Spends the next ten minutes hoping others in the conversation will say their name so I don’t have to ask.
“Have you tried… not thinking about skeletons?” my therapist asks.
I look at her.
I look at the skeleton inside her trying to trick me.
(Auditioning to be a bird)
*accidentally walks into a sliding glass door*
DIRECTOR: Wow, she’s really good.
if i was a conductor of an orchestra, i would abuse my power by making them warm up to a stirring rendition of “ice, ice, baby.”