*applies conditioner to my to-do list to make it more manageable*
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People who live in glass houses must have to clean up a lot of dead birds.
Throw the donuts in a food dehydrator so you can fit more in your wallet.
I named a large spider I saw today in my bedroom “Cotton Eye Joe” because Where’d you come from. Where’d you go.
Elbows may look like chicken skin, but they don’t fry up the same.
Woke up this morning expecting a raging headache. My husband said, “Wanna know why your head doesn’t hurt so bad? Your last several gin and tonics I ordered for you were just water.”
*my skills with compliments
5yo: You are a beautiful princess!
Me: And you are a… child.
[Deathbed]
Gandalf: *struggling to sit up* Frodo
Frodo: yes Gandalf?
Gandalf: theres something i always wanted to say
Frodo: *tearing up at the thought of being told he is like a son to him* yes?
Gandalf: we- *dying breath* we totally could have rode the eagles the whole way
also my go-to takeaway order
Facebook: Here are some people you may know
Me: I don’t know them
Facebook: Ok I’ll ask you again next time
Me: No, I still won’t know them
Facebook: ok lol
Me: I’m serious
Facebook: Haha ok
Me: You gonna stop it?
Facebook: *winks* yes
Me: Did you just wink?
Facebook: *winks* no
Watching movies with kids:
If he/she hasn’t seen it, eons and billions of questions.
If he/she has seen it, eons and billions of spoilers.
I’m great at coloring eggs. Every morning I turn them black.
I would like to think that I’ll die a heroic death but it’s more likely I’ll trip over my dog & choke on a spoonful of frosting.
In school they don’t teach you how to do taxes or that when a mysterious dusty window appears in your room you should NOT answer the raspy voice that drifts through it at 3AM
The thought of two people colliding mid air while looking at their phones is the main reason I wish that humans could fly.
The fun thing about Airbnb’s is that you get to clean someone else’s house on your vacation
I called a chai latte a “chatte,” and my husband laughed and said that was “actually funny,” and it’s nice to have him finally recognize my genius.
When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.
Me: What sneakers are you wearing?
Her: Converse
Me: Omg Sandra, that’s what I’m trying to do.
If I was ever asked to be a cheerleader I’d jump at the chants.
Karl’s toupee isn’t fooling any one
Me: My beautiful daughter, I would cross oceans and move mountains for you. I would fly into the darkness if I knew it would make you happy.
Daughter: Can I have a Dorito?
Me: I’m sorry but these are, unfortunately, my Doritos.
Me: *trying to hock a loogie*
Pawn shop owner: I’m not giving you any money for that.
[holding an acorn]
“do you still love me?”
Wife yells outside-
“that’s not even the same squirrel as yesterday!”“Shaddup you!”
The worst thing about owls is the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Two Dough Nuts.
[McDonald’s drive thru]
Me: One burger pls
Drive Thru: Ok one murder got it
Me: Ha what
(In a flash, Grimace is ripping the door off my car)
“Failure is how you grow.”
– my bathroom scale, picking the wrong motivational quote
Maybe raccoons aren’t really digging through trash for food,
Maybe they’re just looking for something to remove their eye shadow.
Parenthood can have it’s dark moments.
Like in this closet where I’m hiding eating my cake.
My MIL told my (Canadian) kids to pick something she can send them from Target. Without hesitation my 6yo asked if Target sells diamonds. My work here is done.