I don’t use commas in my tweets I am a rebel without a pause
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They should hire this cat for L’Oréal Commercial.
I’m a strong, independent woman who needs you to come kill this moth in the basement.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting out of a bean bag chair.
Have you been working out? You look amazing! You should be a supermodel. I ran over your dog.
All animals are wild animals if you give them tequila and lift up their t-shirts.
When she says she prefers the strong, silent type she means her vibrator.
Girlfriend: YOU NEED TO MOVE ON
Me (sliding Blockbuster card back into my wallet): I’m trying…
My favorite part of the holiday party is getting to meet my coworkers’ dates & find out who chooses to put up with these people for free.
when super mario bros. was released in russia it was much less popular under the title “you are toilet man fight turtle monster”
Hey girl, heaven must be missing an angel….cause it looks like you ate one
(Hot girl walks in)
Brain: Alright don’t panic. Tell her she has beautiful hair. No wait tell her she has beautiful legs!
Me: Hi you have beautiful hairy legs.
Brain: My bad.
just rolled a joint. it was my ankle.
Her: We had the baby! She is 7lbs 3oz, born at 9:08am. We’ll be naming her tomorrow.
Me: Tomorrow is a terrible name for a baby, tbh.
reading rob zombie’s name is a real wild ride. at first you’re like “rob? ok, i know what we’re dealing with here”. then things get weird
Me: *seductively spreading peanut butter on my chest
Sir, you’re going to have to leave.
Me: *reluctantly gets off treadmill
What if T-Rexes really had long boneless tentacle arms and we didn’t know because we can only find bones?
Apparently everyone was too high in the 70’s when Grease came out to notice that every “student” at Rydell High looked like they were 35
I fondly remember my days as a younger man when I didn’t care what the weather was going to do
If you say safety in Numbers you haven’t read Numbers.
Outside: Massive bolts of lightning. Deafening roars of thunder. Buckets of rain pouring from the heavens as the lights flicker.
Alexa: A thunderstorm warning has been issued-
Me: NO SHIT ALEXA
Me: *winking while holding up an eggplant
Passport photographer: No
Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.
The toilet paper thief accidentally dropped the merchandise as he jumped over a fence.
He got away Scott free.
BOSS: Why aren’t these documents attached together?
ME: Sorry I couldn’t find my…[suddenly forgets the word stapler]…desk crocodile
Partner: You had a beer, a glass of wine, a martini and now scotch. Pick one or you’re going to really pay for it tomorrow.
Me: I know. I can’t help it. It’s the alcorithm.
If I was a snake and I owned a ship I’d call it the S.S. SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.
“Arise! Arise! Foul creatures, I command that you arise! ARISE!”
“Dad, just once, couldn’t you let mom or the alarm clock wake us?”
“ARISE!”
What do you mean you are supposed to breathe while you eat.
i catch her eye from across the room
she smiles
i make my way thru the crowd
we meet
“hi”
hi
“here’s your eye back”
thanks nice catch
Even before the lock down, yoga teachers were working from Om
Hashtag Mind Chakra Blown