Want his attention?
Send nudes
Want to piss him off?
When he responds,
reply “Oops, wrong person”
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“thank you all for coming to my crisis” i say as i turn to face everyone in the elevator
Sticks and stones may break my bones
but words can SUMMON DEMONS
Cant believe they scheduled work at my 9-5 job the day after I decided to get drunk on a Wednesday I am appalled
[2025]
Me: *tapping out Morse code on wall shared with neighbor* Man, I miss 2020.
I like running because it’s cheaper than paying for a gym membership. If the gym wants the money I owe them, they’ll have to catch me.
INTERVIEWER: Would you like a donut?
ME: *takes three*
I: Um, ok, what’s your greatest strength?
ME: [grabbing two more donuts] Self-control
It’s been my experience that people seem a lot nicer before we get married
Someone tweeted that they had just baked some synonym buns.
I replied, “Just like the ones grammar used to make?”
Now, I’m blocked.
me, last week when it was dark in evenings: what is the point of anything
me a week later now there is light: I am so happy to be alive so I can eat fresh mango
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
Husband is leaning dangerously out of window whilst he cleans it. Only thing stopping me from shoving him out is that he cleans the windows
5: I’ll fix it when you say “sorry” fifty times
3: ok. sorry fifty times
single because i didn’t forward that chain mail in 2008
Things will never get better until you make the conscious decision to lower your standards.
Some people age like wine, others age like milk.
“Oh I’m not very good at that game, but sure, I’ll play with you”
That scary part in parenthood when your toddler turns into one of them raptors from Jurassic Park and learns how to open doors
Cop: What happened?
Me: A Smart Car hit one of those little Fiats.
Cop: Can you describe the accident.
Me: Adorable?
Uber Eats:
Food
Tip
Sales tax
Service tax
Gas tax
Just because tax
What are you gonna do about it tax
When my middle school English teacher didn’t know the word “anecdote,” it became my first successful field test of discretion vs. valor.
“We have a new product, it washes hair but it needs a name”
Shamcrap?!
“Awful”
Shampoop?!
“Get out!”
Shampoo?
“Genius!”
January is the biggest month every year in my office for divorce filings.
So when someone says “Tis the season to be jolly!” I cynically think “Well. We shall see.”
You can pretty much tell me anything is an anagram and I’ll believe it. I’m not about to rearrange a bunch of letters like some doctor
Uncle Frank’s will stipulates he be cremated & his ashes added to the vegetable water sprayers at the local grocery store.
He will be mist.
One time I hooked up with this guy and we were laying there and it was raining and I knew he wanted me to leave because he said “I got something for you” and proceeded to pull out a disposable rain poncho
Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.
I would be morbidly obese if food for thought was an actual thing.
I cleaned the door glass and one of the dogs is barking at his reflection. That tells you how filthy the windows were.
As long as McDonald’s doesn’t make us pay with excercise.
Sliced my finger open with an apple corer. See? This wouldn’t happen if I was eating cake.