One day my GPS is gonna say, “You should know this one by now” and shut off.
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A baby stroller, but just to take my snacks with me.
Top causes of divorce:
1. Finances
2. Infidelity
3. Unmet expectations
4. Growing apart
5. Tandem bikes
*gives you a knife
*points to the toaster
[calling front desk]
ME: Hey can y’all wash these sheets for me
CONCIERGE: Uh oh something naughty?
ME: [thinking about how I made myself into a blanket burrito with real beans] yah
I could’ve been a doctor. OK, so I don’t have the intelligence or the people skills, but I nailed the shitty handwriting.
While we’re all distracted by AI and the fear of a robot uprising, the real enemy is quietly gathering its forces.
[4:30am]
ME: *shifts slightly in bed*
DOG: *races across house* IS IT TIME TO GO OUT NOW?
My super power is not uttering a word and yet still saying the wrong thing.
her: I don’t feel like talking
me: uh oh, is it me?
her: not at all, I’m having a hard time
me: uh oh, what did I do?
her: no no, a family member died
me: uh oh, did I kill them?
*medication may cause
– hair cramps
– tongue mold
– restless skin syndrome
– pomegranate ear
– swamp lip
– knee teeth
me: they’re having a special, buy 3 dvds get 1 free
wife: so why do you have 4 space jam’s?
me: …because it’s buy 3 get 1 free
Satanic ritual canceled. The goats keeps eating the sacred parchment paper.
[at art museum]
Security: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Me: It needs more yellow
Oh really well you thought four inches was HUGE when we were talking about spiders.
Pilot: “Attention passengers, our engines have failed. We may not make it.”
Me, still wearing parachute pants since the 80s: “I KNEW this day would come!”
Don’t post your New Year’s resolutions to social media. Two months from now, when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Cheetos, you don’t need anyone asking you how marathon training is going.
– How can you read that without your glasses?
– I use my imagination
Going to put on a flowing gown and rush up to hikers in the forest, grab their hands and place a gold ring there before uttering “keep it safe” and running away like I’m being chased
It’s been a couple of weeks, and the new neighbours have not yet mentioned the inflatable dinosaur in my window.
Before I had kids I thought there were only three, maybe four places you could put stickers. I was wrong. So, so wrong.
I just did my budget for June. If I don’t buy food … I won’t need toilet paper.
I think I’m on to something here.
Wow, the CIA making jokes on Twitter shows they’re just as human as any other bunch of guys who kidnap people and torture them in secret.
Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes
My bf just suggested we put canned peas in the egg salad and anyway, I’m single now.
This bloke knocked on my door and asked me if I’ve considered an alternative energy supplier.
I said, ‘No thanks, I’m quite happy with food.’
twitter is cool because sometimes your random thoughts resonate with thousands of stupid losers
If you send me a voice note exceeding 20 seconds, I will consider it a podcast and not listen to it.
airline clerk: your bag is over 50 pounds so that’ll be an extra $25
me: yes, of course *checks high school physics notes* money reduces the impact of gravity on mass
My mother was feeling cold so now I’m wearing a sweater.