someone please explain to my neighbour I wasn’t “fighting a box,” I was doing the recycling
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Me: *disappointed* so an oral argument isn’t having make up sex after a row?
Lawyer:
[GUYS WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE]
Guy1: What should we call it?
Guy2: How bout ‘Hot Spot’?
Guy1: Nah..
Guy2: How bout ‘Fireplace’?
Guy1: Duuuuuuuuude!!!
Accidentally connected my Fitbit account to Facebook and now everyone knows I only walked 13 steps yesterday.
*reads list of assassin targets*
“Eggs, milk…what the-”
[CUT TO] *wife at store looking desperately for North Korean nuclear physicist*
As the day goes on, coworkers start appearing more flammable.
I thought the husband was finally taking photography seriously by telling me to move to the right and smile. Turned out to be a nice shot of me with the dog taking a crap in the background.
Unicorn: why can’t you create me again?
God: no one is going to believe a horse has a horn it’s too ridiculous.
Unicorn: I guess you’re right.
[Narwhal swims by]
Unicorn: w-was that a whale with a horn?
God:
Unicorn:
God: technically that’s a tooth.
[sky diving]
INSTRUCTOR: questions before we jump?
ME: do u think clams ever choke on their pearls?
INSTRUCTOR: *pushes me out of the plane*
the dominos pizza tracker says alfred is quality checking my order but alfred also made it. isn’t this a conflict of interest
Bruce Willis in a lot of action roles he’s played:
Bruce Killis
As a reward for graduating high school, please accept this basket of live cobras.
Life is as good or as bad as you make it. Take responsibility for your choices, including how you feel about a situation. And breathe.
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your phone.
Kurt Cobain: come as you are, as you were, as I want you to be
Me: in a duck costume
Kurt Cobain: not like that
*sees 2% milk in your fridge* wow how’d you get such a low interest rate on your milk?
*Hears sound in the middle of the night*
Mildly afraid – it’s an intruder.
Absolutely terrified – it’s going to wake my toddler.
Coworker: Pass your random drug test?
Me: With flying colors!
CW: Really?
Me. So many colors!
CW: You’re high right now aren’t you?
So: a needle pulling thread
Thread: a way to stack your tweets
Tweet: the thing I did instead
When they honked at me to go
Everybody knows cattorneys study four years at a meowniversity and three in claw school
“I’m sorry”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━0:06
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁ 5%“…but”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━━70:28:54
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁▂▃▄▅▆▇ 100%
I call all dogs ‘puppies’, regardless of age. They like it.
ME: Ask me what the three most important things about egg storage are
WIFE: No. You’re just going to say something stupid
ME: I promise I won’t…Just ask me
WIFE: Okay, fine. What are the three most important things about egg stor-
ME: Yokation, yokation, yokation.
Tinder: Meet people within a few miles
Twitter: Meet people within a few thousand miles
[parent-teacher conference] *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
Oceans 11? When I went to school there were just 5
I’m not saying I’m not physically fit, I’m just saying I went to yoga once and they had to call the paramedics.
Cartoons taught me that if you got a bucket rammed onto your head, when you got it off, your head would be shaped like the bucket. Well after this morning I can tell you, that is a total lie
So Mother Theresa puts a dish towel on her head and she’s a “saint” but when I put a dish towel on MY head I’m “drunk in the kitchen again?”
“Terrible twos” is such a misleading phrase. It makes it sound like other ages are better.
*date*
GIRL: I love hot tubs. Do you love hot tubs?
LOBSTER: That’s like the third time you’ve asked me that.