Scotland……because even the Romans needed to meet a group of people that made them say “Nah…just build a wall and keep an eye on em”
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Her: I think my fathers in jail.
Me: No, No, No… He’s in Alabama. It’s like jail, but with trees.
*Packing for a trip*
Maybe I’ll bring my workout gear. I mean I haven’t worked out in 5 years but I might start on this trip.
My electric kettle got broken so I had to make tea using my acoustic kettle.
Last weekend my partner wanted to go to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you.
I took us to Subway..that’s how the fight started
Let’s be honest, murdering someone before coffee would be pretty lackluster. I’d probably be too tired to even get the job done.
[pet store]
Me: do you have any marmosets?
Clerk: no we don’t sell—
Me: okay, just one marmo then
ME: Please, I beg you, just tell me the ingredients.
RECIPE SITE: Sure!
ME: Thank you.
RECIPE SITE: After I explain WHY I love these ingredients—
ME: *Whispers* No.
RECIPE SITE: —It was a crisp, fall evening, and I, a wide-eyed college student, was studying in Rome.
One day you’re bad to the bone and before you know it you’re tired to the bone
After I beat my dad in Go Fish, I like to shit in my underwear to celebrate.
-My son, apparently
You all think your dad’s cargo shorts are lame until you need to smuggle some Reese’s Pieces into the movie theater.
Her: so you’re a teacher? What do you teach?
Me *nervous*: children
Him: Why are you so obsessive? Why can’t you just let things go?
Me: *sighs and puts my 24 page essay on why toast is terrible back into my briefcase*
Could you Christian rock singers please invest in a thesaurus. I think God is fully aware by now that you think he is “great” and “awesome.”
Top 4 horrified face expressions:
4. dragged away by crocodile
3. stabbed by serial killer
2. mauled by bear
1. no toilet paper
[Interview]
Why do you want this job?
Me: *opens briefcase* I don’t.
*pulls out Snickers*
I just wanted to eat this without my kids around
ME: [getting pistol whipped] hey everyone, look at this idiot who thinks his gun is a whip
Stopped by my parents house with the dog. We both ran upstairs and tripped at the exact same time as we’ve obviously forgotten how stairs work.
She said she didn’t want me to touch her with a ten foot pole. I said ma’am I’m flattered but it’s not that long.
“Son, you suck.”
-Dracula, teaching his children basic survival tactics
HER: because you’re so juvenile this relationship is over
ME: [through walkie talkie] this relationship is what, over
Cut out the middleman and throw all your food right into the whiskey.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years
Me: punching a goose in its mouth
Interviewer: you know actually we’ve already filled the position
Me: *clenches fist* was it a goose
SEANCE MEDIUM: The Ouija Board just keeps spelling out racist epithets and casserole recipes, over and over again?!
ME: Grandma?
Me trying to “trust the process”
You don’t want grapes on your cookie? What if I told you the grapes were crazy old?
Once I ate 32 consecutive flavorless oreos before realizing they were checkers
My dentist has a tremor. He’s a good dentist, but you just don’t know exactly what’s going to get fixed.
This is the final season of Young Sheldon.
I hope they don’t kill him off.
11,780 cans of beans on the wall…
YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME