I self medicate, therefore you live.
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Just heard my husband in the kitchen telling our cat “You’re not hungry, you’re bored. Drink some water.”
I stop strangers from talking by smelling their hair & saying,”You smell like Pa. Pa loved his wood chipper. Never did find them drifters.”
Your honor these allegations are
‘That one hates me – I’ll lay on him.’
~cats
My husband just told me not to look in the vegetable drawer because it would ruin my birthday surprise, but if my birthday surprise involves vegetables, he may be in danger.
It is a truth universally acknowledged that no two people have the same interpretation of the words “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
No, I don’t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.
I don’t consider myself to be an overly dramatic person, but I have had a mosquito bite ruin my life.
My parents are always pestering me to have kids. “Who will carry on the ancient family curse?” they say.
My ex left because I “lack imagination”.
“Yeah? Well you lack imagination!”, I shouted after her.
– “Did you know a swan can break a full-grown man’s heart?”
– “I think you mean arm?”
– “NO I DON’T!!”
*Runs away sobbing, bread spilling everywhere*
Siri, when does the restraining order expire?
* 9 comes in from playing outside*
Me: Wow, your hair is a mess.
9: Ha, not messier than my room.
Me: What?
9: What?
[Excavation for dino bones]
DIGGER: Sir, we found something BIG!
DOG PALEONTOLOGIST: *tail wags* Ok go for break [salivating] I’ll finish up
Get an attack dog, name it Anxiety, laugh and laugh and laugh at Anxiety attacks.
midwife: “congratulations keith, you have a baby boy, he’s exactly 7 pounds”
me: [looks at my wife as i pat my pockets] “i didn’t bring any money”
*sees 2% milk in your fridge* wow how’d you get such a low interest rate on your milk?
I’ve started dating Little Red Riding Hood’s gran.
She’s an animal in bed.
disney: we want a nice elegant design that just says ‘Walt Disney’
graphic designer: Walt Gisney
disney: looks great
omg we watched the muppet movie for the first time tonight and my 8yo says “oh, kermit! I like him because he’s from all those memes” as if kermit just appeared one day drinking tea saying but that’s none of my business
*stomps feet during a tantrum, reaches fitbit step goal*
verbiage sounds like something you’re not getting enough of in your diet
[at condiment counter]
*does shot of ketchup*
Me (gets in kid’s face): Wait your turn, punk
Wife: Oh no…he’s getting sauced up again
Don’t believe everything you read on a Mayan stone carving
The worst scene in La La Land is when Emma Stone gives Ryan Gosling permission to save jazz because she already solved racism in The Help.
I could easily defuse any bomb as long as the bomb squad guy told me what to do through the headset
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
Am I the only one who wonders why the Flintstones celebrate Christmas.
date: what do you do
me: i run a non-profit
date: which charity?
me: oh…no i’m just a terrible hot dog salesman
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.