Me: *rehearsing alibi speech in front of mirror
Cops: {laughing from other side of two way mirror} Is this the dumbest criminal ever?
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I’m completely naked under all this pizza.
Me to husband: I’m about to cook, but first, can you do that thing I like?
Him: *disables smoke alarm*
I couldn’t say no to a double dog dare. How about you? Why did you get arrested?
Home is where the h…ell did I put my car keys?
I hope I don’t die of something stupid like old age, I want a piano to fall on my head.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” -Twins looking at some family photos
Left work, txted wife “Coming homo.” Then I txted her “Haha whoops, I meant BEcoming homo.”
Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.
*corruptly eats pizza with a spork*
If I’m reading their lips correctly, my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.
An airbag is just a pillow that punches you in the face
Pretty weird that a hamster I had for three months at the age of six plays such an important role in my adult life as a part of my online banking security protocol
[Mugshot photographer]
Me: now lets do a silly one
He just told me that the dishwasher is broke.
I wish he would:
1. Stop rubbing it in
And
2. Stop calling me that.
well well well, if it isn’t the consequences (dying of the plague) of my own actions (putting a rat i found in an alley under my hat to help me cook hotdogs better)
Fun Fact – The faster you walk around the office the more important you are
Bruh PLEASE
nice thing about dating a doctor is if you wanna stop seeing them, you can just eat an apple
Catering service
Everything went according to a plan I didn’t have.
Actually, I want to be a robot for Halloween
-my 3 yo, just before noon, October 31
*plays air guitar*
*kisses air girlfriend*
A new study shows twitter is more addictive than crack.
A scientist who looks suspiciously like my wife said “better put down that phone.”
I put the “pro” in inappropriate
I’m at the age where if people get pregnant I don’t know if it’s a good thing or not. like congratulations or sorry that happened
Waiting for the local donut park to open 🙂
Every day Facebook tells me I have memories and wants to show them to me. It’s like they have no appreciation for the cost or the amount of liquor I needed to erase them.
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: first name?
ME: Mike
I: last?
M: Arbrokedown
I: Mike Arbrokedown?
M: no problem let’s use mine
I: *crumples test*
Why was the picture sent to prison?
It was framed.