No Olympian will ever be better at medaling than the gang on Scooby Doo.
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When Meatloaf said he would do anything for love, but he wouldn’t do that, he was talking about quarantining with his kids for 2 weeks.
Trip to the grocery store ended with 9 pledging to run away because we bought watermelon cubes, not slices like she wanted, in case there’s any Hallmark family movie writers out there looking for a new story line.
My daughter plays recorder now and practices every single day, so yes, I believe in karma. I’m not even sure what I did, but I believe in it.
“Go ahead, caller….”
“Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”
*puts dreamcatcher above bed*
“Sure hope this works”
*wakes up in the middle of the night*
*Ryan Gosling is stuck in dreamcatcher*
“YES”
That if you love them set them free thing, what if they all come back at once
me: [nervously] how often do these things crash
flight attendant: just once usually
age 20: I was in a car accident, my ride is totaled. I won’t be into work until after lunch
age 40: I did something to my back brushing my teeth, I need to lie down for 3 weeks
how much my patient talks about their healthy choices
▶ 🔘──────── 00:05how much my patient talks about their single daughter
▶ 🔘──────── 74:36:15
When I get a girlfriend, what do I feed it
HOW TO ROB A BANK: (1) Walk in and start talking about your study abroad experience. (2) Everyone’s asleep now. Grab the money.
INTERVIEWER: I’m sorry, I don’t think you’re really suited for the role of librarian
BRIAN BLESSED: WHY NOT?
An app that makes your phone ring whenever someone asks “so what’s next for you”
HER: I’ve never known someone to google things during sex
ME: we learned a lot though
HER: you screamed “ostriches are faster than horses”
The 2nd amendment gives us the right to bear arms and the 8th amendment gives us the right to horse legs
It’s amazing that a microscopic sperm colliding with a microscopic egg could create something so stupid
Am I a decent cook who can turn out a killer meal? yes
Will you sometimes still find paper from the stick of butter in my pan? also yes
Stands at the gates of hell.
Waves to my mother in law.
Leaves.
In retrospect, replying “Happy as a serial killer in a skin suit factory”, probably wasn’t the best way to respond to my therapist.
The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.
What if your beverage could lightly choke you? Try boba! Yes, boba. Combining refreshment and near death experience since 1980.
I PASSED THE BAR!
On the way to work and I didn’t go in! Yay me!
it’s fun to yell CHEESE! at a group of girls and watch them switch to their Facebook Poses
If I’m being honest, a Seven Nation Army probably could hold me back.
It’s adorable when I bring workout clothes on a trip to Miami like I’m not just going to eat, drink, and sleep.
Apparently saying, “You mad, bro?” is frowned upon if you work in customer service.
Whenever someone says smart phones are turning people into zombies, look up from your phone just long enough to bite them.
Me, an intellectual: A spam and banana sandwich would be called a spamananawich.
A skunk got into my kitchen last night when I was cooking dinner and the smell was so bad he went right back out.