Sci-fi is when Wonder Woman fights villains from outer space, fantasy is thinking Wonder Woman will go on a date with you.
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Sometimes I dance on my bed half naked & sing into my hairbrush…. and other days… I take my medication.
[swimming pool]
me: do you have family changing facilities?
clerk: yes we do
me: ok what can I get for 2 sons and a wife
My life in a nutshell
Just realized half way through my date that I still had lipstick on my forehead from my mom kissing me goodbye.
All I said is, I prefer a fresher corpse. Don’t make this weird.
“How about if the villain is a psychopath out to make a skin suit?”
– Not in a kids movie, dude.
“Ok, but it’s puppy skin?”
– Oh, then YES!
I beg your pardon?
“I really thought by now we’d all have robots,” he wrote, typing on a small device containing the sum of the world’s knowledge.
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emer-
Dinosaur: I’M BEING ATTACKED BY A GIANT SNAKE
Dinosaur 911: same color as you?
Dinosaur: YES
Dinosaur 911: is it your own tail?
Dinosaur: ok, you’re gonna laugh
i can’t believe i got the keys to a new house, got a promotion at work and bagged myself a boyfriend all in the space of a week 🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹 forgot how good the sims 4 is
A super villain who foils all your plots, but your plots are just lasagnas and he makes them cook super unevenly.
Okay back to it and remember, you can’t say anger without saying grrrr
The lost art of being “wishy washy.”
My boomer father in law couldn’t get his TV to work, the tv was plugged into a surge protector…that was plugged into itself.
“no please don’t”
[cop takes my flask and sniffs] is this milk?
I just know Amazon drivers be like.. THIS HOUSE AGAIN ???
What’s your favorite song?-Me, to a baby wearing a Metallica shirt at the grocery store.
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please just disregard the one earlier in which I claimed to have “definitely broken the world land speed record” by running very fast down the hill near my house. I have since looked it up and I accept that I underestimated the current record
Police: How are you feeling?
Me: I’m fine.
*polygraph explodes*
Brother: Did you know a remote is 20 times dirtier than a toilet seat?
Me *licking remote*
I don’t drip caramel sauce on toilet seats.
when my bf tells me i’m cute but i’ve just woken up and i’m grumpy
[laser tag]
Instructor: Dude, you’re not gonna run out of ammo
Me [strapping bayonet to the end of gun]: let’s just agree to disagree
My date spent all night telling me that she loved Bad Boys – Then seemed disappointed when we got back to mine and I put the DVD on.
I giveth, and I taketh away. Why? Because I recycleth.
A baby is 75% water. So if I walked on babies I’d be 75% Jesus. #SolidLogic
My mailman is scared of me because I’m always doing handstands on my porch when he comes by and I sometimes chase him around a little
My superhero origin story began when I was bitten by a radioactive sofa.
When I die, I want people to think back lovingly about me and say “oh, I thought she was already dead”
I’m 32 and my mom took me clothes shopping or as she likes to call it a “please go back to school sale”
Friend: are you mad?
Me: what no
Friend: you look mad
Me: I have 4 kids it’s just my face