[I open my lunchbox to find pair of wife’s underwear]
But that means…
[Cut to my wife opening her lunchbox to find a pair of my underwear]
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If being bad at grammar is a crime than arrest me.
Nutritionist: Do you eat salad?
Me: Yes, I love potato salad.
Nutritionist: no
Is this the real life?
Is this just
Restaurants: put your phone down. Live in the moment. Scan our QR code and browse our wares or starve
sheep: hey give me my jeans back
wolf: no I need them for this idiom
Grandma, stop asking people what they’re supposed to be for Halloween-this is Walmart.
Parents are like “i don’t want my teen having sex” and i get it. I had sex as a teen and now every full moon I turn into a giant sex
After your 5th sneeze I’m not saying bless you anymore.
You’re on your own
There is a school auction tonight, but I don’t know if I’m ready to buy a whole school
Netflix has the AUDACITY to ask me if I’m still watching when it knows I left the remote on the dining room table and have NO intention of getting up. Smh
WIFE: I need a new book. Something to really get my teeth into
ME: You’re thinking of a sandwich
My guardian angel probably spends most of their day just deleting my draft tweets
ASTRONAUT 1:So sorry
ASTRONAUT 2: My condolences
ASTRONAUT 3: Forgive us~~The crew of the Apollo-G
ME AT AGE 6: I am 6 and three-quarters as of tomorrow!
ME YESTERDAY: I am…I wanna say 32? Wait what year is it?
Skating rink, hockey rink, curling rink… Who decided “rink” could only mean an ice arena?? “Hey, I’m heading down to the hairdressing rink then swinging by the cheese rink after, see ya”
I wish I could fall as gracefully as a winter coat slinking off the back of a chair.
[Traffic jam]
CAR 1: Hoonk!
CAR 2: Honk!
CAR 3: Honk, hooonk!
ME: *Holding up my goose* No pressure, Chester, whenever you’re ready.
I don’t think it’s rude to keep standing if you go to someone’s house and their furniture is ugly
Me: Hello, my name is Vikki and I’m an alcoholic.
Operator: Ma’am, this is AAA.
Me: I know. I’m an alcoholic and now my car is in a ditch.
[creating my Tinder profile]
Are u seeking:
men [ ]
women [x]Select one:
18-29 [ ]
30-39 [ ]
40-49 [x]
50+ [ ]me: who needs 50 girlfriends lol
If you cut me off in traffic you better be ready to look in your rearview mirror and see me yelling something you can’t hear.
I literally got fired from a job for not knowing what to do with my hands when I talk. I guess sign language interpreting just wasn’t for me
I’m going to be an “adult” film star. You’ll pay $12 to watch me struggle to pay bills, cry uncontrollably, and lie awake in bed at night.
Even if I was bitten by a radioactive spider, I’d still be inherently lazy. I wouldn’t be out fighting crime, I’d just be slinging a web to grab some snacks without getting up from the couch.
I wonder if the people who camp out in front of stores for Black Friday sales realize there are online sales too.
[sitting in van]
Robber 1: Ready?
Robber 2: Let’s do this!
Me: How do I…*trying to open egg container of pantyhose*…open this?
Feeling so jealous of the students in stone age. They didn’t have to study history too much because nothing had happened yet.
FINALLY A BEAUTIFUL DAY THAT ISN’T 100 DEGREES OR POURING RAIN
[frogs start falling from sky]
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me: I once asked a man why he was in a wheelchair. Now here I am.
Call me so I have your number.
[5 minutes later] Oh.. I have a missed call?