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Me: Why don’t we have a nice, romantic bubble bath?
Him: Sounds amazing*flash forward*
Him: I thought we’d be taking the bubble bath together
Me: (from the other tub) My tub is too small for two, you know that. And say “over” when you’re done talking on the walkie, babe
No thanks, toilets that flush.
-kids
I’ve never dated two people at the same time, but I have had UPS and Amazon show up on the same day.
On my flight today I woke up from a nap & an attendant was walking down the aisle holding a pug, saying “we found this pug. Whose pug is this??” And for 3 hours we all just took turns holding the mystery pug until a verrrry stoned man in the last row woke up & was like “Roscoe?!”
chore hatred level:
considering becoming a raw food vegan and drinking straight from the garden hose to avoid doing dishes
The Mayan Calendar doesn’t really stop at 2012, they just ran out of sexy firefighters.
Mouthwash is too spicy!
*waters it down with Mayonnaise*
Well, I was having a good day until my son opened up his backpack & handed me a fundraiser envelope.
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: Know why I pulled u over
C: Stop that
M: Stop that
C: Wanna go to jail?
M: Wanna go to jail?
C: No.. errr
The irony is that if we had a vaccine against stupid, those who need it most wouldn’t get it.
Team leader: This is a do or die situation.
Me: It absolutely is not.
European out-of-offices: “I’m away camping for the summer. Email again in September”
American out-of-offices: “I have left the office for two hours to undergo kidney surgery but you can reach me on my cell anytime”
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
Husband: *struggling to get soap out of the bottle*
Me: you know you could refill it
Husband: nah if you leave it long enough it fills up on its own
Me: do you think I’m the soap fairy!!?
Husband: omg are you?
Me: I hate you
[at a wake]
Me: *closes coffin to set my drink down* so, what are you doing after this
Widow: wow
I’m getting concerned that Beyonce never told those single ladies to put their hands down and now there’s a bunch of unfed cats out there.
My wife and I just finished an intense 6-month mediation to pick the movie we’re going to fall asleep 10 minutes into.
Recycling bottles.
Pre Covid: These aren’t all mine, I had a party, honest
Covid: I didn’t have a party, I swear, I’m just an alcoholic
I can’t wait for the next Oscars dead-person montage when all the celebs Joan Rivers insulted have to applaud her.
My top 5 yoga positions
5 Napping Warrior
4 Downward Spiral
3 Crying Plank
2 Farting Tree
1 Drunk Hasselhoff
[after plane flies upside down for a full minute]
pilot: sorry about that turbulence folks i was having a nightmare
In zoom meetings I try to sit as still as possible so that people think my connection is bad and don’t call on me
[Kitchen]
Me: I’m a were-state. When the moon is full I turn into a US state.
Wife: No you don’t the moon is full now.
Me: *Illinois noises*
*enters contest*
Contest: “Wrong hole.”
how do I gracefully leave this party early but also take the queso dip with me
*kidnapping Beyoncé* got your Knowles
Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?
Nepobaby? Why, yes, I am, my father was Prom and Homecoming King in a town of 300, I can still get a discount at the local Ace Hardware if Steve is working.
Relationship status: Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown to kick. She’s Lucy. I’m the football.