HER: Mmm you smell good.
ME: Thanks. I use both my nostrils.
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ME: we need to take actionable steps to combat climate change
ME: *after two glasses of wine* i will do it. i will fight the freaking sun
Yesterday my son told me I was the funniest person he knows which was so sweet. Then he asked for twenty dollars.
WIFE: You know Hogwarts isn’t real? It’s just part of series of fantasy novels.
ME: *chasing an owl around my garden*
WHATEVER MUGGLE!!!
A dog or a baby can only survive about 6 seconds in a closed car with the air conditioner off in July; an annoying fly, 2 weeks.
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like: “If the leopard gets lost in the hedge maze, play Sade and he’ll find his way back.”
Scuba diving instructor: Be careful not to get too close to the sharks
*under breath* or they’ll break your heart and move in with your brother
“I hope this email finds you—“ STOP FINDING MEEEEE
[how kids view their parents]
Age 3: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 5: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 10: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 18: these drunks are just winging it
*snowstorm rolls through*
*work closes*
Me: “This is the greatest day of my life!”
*daycare closes*
Me: “I wish I was dead.”
Apparently you can be asked to leave the courtroom if you fall off your chair too many times
If you need me, I’ll be right here for the next 35 years while my 4yo picks out a bedtime story to read
Sorry Taco Bell, but I came up with the Naked Chicken Chalupa before you did. Well actually Ambien did & I’m still banned from Taco Bell.
Why, woefully unprepared happens to be my middle name
Park Ranger: Careful, someone saw a coyote out here earlier
Me: Ok, thanks
-20 minutes later-
*drives into a rock painted like a tunnel
Created by Jews, saves humanity.
Who, Jesus? No, dummy. Superman.
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
An old boyfriend hearted my picture on Facebook instead of just liking it, so I was wondering what we should name our kids.
Him: I think you’re my soul mate.
Me: I’m so SO sorry for you.
There is nothing sexier than when she locks eyes with me as she finishes…
..Frying the bacon
cw: what did you do at the weekend?
me: friends treated me to a bloated birthday meal
cw: I think you mean belated?
m: *recalling the deep-fried pufferfish* I know exactly what I mean
“You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You all get Biibbbllleess!!!!
~Poprah
The Hurricane came through here like a tornado
-Lady on the News just now
I don’t want to live on this planet anymore
SANTA: *sees presents under Christmas tree already* what the? someone beat me to it
[a light glows in the corner]
ALEXA: what’s the matter, old sprite, not in your… prime?
I can’t believe this Avengers movie will be the last one before the next one comes out.
mmm onion ringos
Why is a good book described as a real page turner?
That’s my minimum requirement in a book
Pages that turn
[My 5 year old has a little crush on a nearby neighbor girl, and the girl stopped by]
Her: Hi!
Him, making a weird face: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …
Her: …
Him: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …THERE ARE BEES OUT IN MY YARD *runs away*
Can we all just agree that nothing needs to be connected to Facebook ever?
Every day Facebook tells me I have memories and wants to show them to me. It’s like they have no appreciation for the cost or the amount of liquor I needed to erase them.