*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
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I just want to be as carefree as the parents who opt for the light interior color options in their cars.
9-year old: Dad smell this. You licked a puss.
Me: [mutes TV] what
9-year old: it’s so good. Smell it. You licked a puss.
Me: …
9-year old: [hands me a candle jar]
Me. It’s *eucalyptus*
Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.
Make librarians cry by calling it a “Book Museum” while taking pictures with your iPad.
What wine goes well with two ungrateful teenagers, an oppressive boss and insurmountable credit card debt?
We need to put an American base on the sun
I don’t want your undivided attention. I want your multiplied attention. Make clones of yourself and give me all of their attention too.
Went by the house where I grew up. Asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face. My parents can be so rude.
In case you needed to hear it:
A cell phone with a low battery is nothing more than a damn-cell in distress
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
Nice try, private caller. I don’t answer the phone if I know you either.
“Do you want to play doctors and nurses?”
*flirty giggle* “ok…”
“I’m a specialist. The earliest I can see you is May next year”
Strike fear into the heart of your teen by telling them that you want to hang out while they have friends over.
Oh, you love me? Name three of my recent emotional breakdowns
Me: What’s the worst date you’ve ever been on?
Date: ugh one guy was a total idiot
Me: Did you end it early?
Date: No I wanna finish this dessert
Paid $75 to take the family to the zoo so my toddler could ooh and ahh over a caterpillar in the parking lot.
Server: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have olives.
Me: I think there has been a misunderstanding. The name of this establishment implies there would be olives in droves. An incomprehensible abundance.
Server: I’m sure you’ll enjoy our pasta selectio-
Me: Is this even a garden??
My husband is playing Super Mario Bros with our sons and one of them is having a MAJOR tantrum. Sadly, it’s my husband.
Me: I’m sorry; I don’t remember your name. I know it starts with an S though…. Sledgehammer, Salamander, Slappy…
Him: Steve…my name is Steve.
Me: Yeah, no, I would’ve never gotten that.
Toddlers are physically weak but make up for it with their brutal honesty about your appearance
The first 12-16 hours after waking up are always the most difficult.
it’s giving duvet, it’s quiltcore, if the vibe was sleepy time she’s serving honk shoooo honk shoooo
Stop asking dumb questions on the internet; ask for money.
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
There are two kinds of people.
Try not to be either one of them.
By 35 you should have returned to your childhood home to discover the ancient evil you and your friends thought you’d defeated when you were all 12 has risen again, say retirement experts.
THEM: Let’s head down to Paradise City. I heard the girls are really hot there.
ME: What’s the grass situation?
Listen, I’m all about neighborliness, but if you ring my bell one more time at 7am just to inform me you received my newspaper
I. Will. Boil. Your. Rabbit.
If I learned just one thing as a parent, it’s that by the 3rd kid they can be juggling samurai swords and hand grenades and you won’t care as long as they’re doing it quietly.