January 29, 1802, 2 AM: I hope this letter finds you well. Are you up?
March 2: I am, good sir
April 6: Would you kindly come over?
May 9: K
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My nickname is Gilette because I’m the best a man can get. Also, I will cut you
Good morning people…..I woke up feeling myself this morning….wait that doesn’t sound right. What I meant is I woke up feeling confidant
CLASSIC ROCK DJ: What should I play?
ANGEL ON HIS SHOULDER: Wow, so many options! Decades of music and thousands of bands to choose from!
DEVIL ON HIS SHOULDER: What about the same 14 songs over and over again?
Getting kidnapped and taken to a private island where I’m hunted for sport by a wealthy psychopath wouldn’t even crack the top 3 worst relationships I’ve been a part of.
Participating in a raid on a secret high-tech underground bunker? Be the guy who knows the access codes. The guy who knows the access codes always makes it to at least the third act.
Are we still sending rich dudes to space cause I just got a 2 dollar bill in the mail from GramGram and this shining star is ready to rocket
Ladies, lemme assure you.. I’m not trying to get into your pants. I can barely get into my own pants at this point.
What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?
As an ultimate act of selflessness, someday I will travel to a 3rd world country and adopt a small, less fortunate highway.
[screaming from my front porch] You teens get off my lawn and register to vote!
On your first day in prison, make sure you go up to the warden and compliment the décor.
[trying to ride a horse]
ME: oh shit how do i slow down?!
GUY OUTSIDE THE SUPERMARKET: this is for children
At Home Depot, I’m just as confused and lost as the birds that have accidentally flown into the building.
2019: The floor is lava.
2020: The year is lava.
Her: I want you to wreck my guts
Me: *undercooks her chicken*
To save time, I buy my panties pre-bunched.
why are we always standing after being corrected? imma have a seat after this devastating defeat thanks
Today the neighbors are blasting country music from the boom box on the back deck. Tomorrow, they’ll be looking for the boom box that used to be on their back deck.
hey, alexa
Random woman in the store: What’s in your mom’s tummy?
5-year-old: A baby.
Woman: What kind of baby?
5-year-old: A human one.
Nailed it.
me: I may have added too much salt
my snail girlfriend: my brothers will avenge me
Not right now green light, I’m taking a selfie.
Me: You are NOT alone in this pandemic.
Wife: *on the toilet* I really wish I were.
Why do people send an @ just to be nasty. Oh yeah, because they are thick dumb cunts who have no life. Glad I cleared that up.
living in a small apartment and not being able to find something is so embarrassing. like there’s three square feet in here what do you mean you cant find it
*waves to the bagged salad i’ll throw out in a few days as i get ketchup for my fries
put my earbuds in so i wouldn’t have to talk with the man next to me on the plane and he asked if he could “borrow one so we could listen together”
I had a dream I was driving and following my friend to her house. But she kept making turns from wrong lanes and I was trying to keep up with her
And then I realized “oops that’s not my friend and I’ve been following a stranger and probably scaring them” lol
I asked my imaginary friend if I was emotionally stable, and she said yes, so…
Lingerie.
…or as I like to call it… fancy pants!