Camping?
No thank you.If I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
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I’m going to get some steel wool so I can crochet myself a new car.
My dad and I went to a restaurant and the waiter pointed at the QR code on the wall and said “thats our menu” and left and my dad looked at it really close and said “Is this some kind of joke”
“Mr. President, you have some Updog in east Syria.”
“What’s Updog?”
“[unfurls projector screen] Updog is a military terrorist organizati
ME: truth or dare
PRIEST: just take the communion
I did nothing wrong—I tried to do nothing and did it wrong.
I ran into the guy who delivered my pizzas a couple nights ago at a concert and he didn’t even remember who I was. Never meet your heroes.
I have a friend who’s SUPER into Shakespeare.
She’s bardcore.
ROBIN: the batmobile won’t start
BATMAN: check the battery
ROBIN: what’s a tery
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY WEDNESDAY?!
Me: It’s Tuesday.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY TUESDAY?!
You’re not allowed to donate blood if you’ve listened to Kid Rock in the last 6 months.
“I’m almost at the end of my childhood and pretty soon I’ll be a teenager”, my 6yo, trying to ruin my day, apparently
I think I’m finally becoming more mature. Now when I watch Spongebob I usually agree with Squidward.
I have a clear conscience until a police car pulls behind me. Then I’m like “OH GOD WHAT IF I MURDERED SOMEONE DID I MURDER SOMEONE”
People who love dark chocolate are always so snobby about it. Relax. It’s just chocolate, you elitist ninnies.
Does anyone else bring a bag of clever disguises to the grocery store in case there’s a wine sampling booth that day?
I’m just a girl standing here wishing I was as thin as my patience
Motivational Speaker: “There’s a Lion In Everybody!!”
The Lion In Me:
When kids try to guess your age it will either be completely flattering or utterly devastating, but never correct.
DA: Where r my legal briefs?
Paralegal *hands him his boxers*
Judge: lol
Jury: We’re hung
Judge: ha!
DA: Balls in your court
Judge: DO MORE!
I don’t always make pterodactyl noises, but when I do it’s usually because I’m walking through a crowded aisle in Walmart.
Wrote in my Gratitude Journal, like I do every day, that I’m particularly thankful for my Spite Journal, which now comprises several handsome volumes.
teacher: there’s no such thing as a stupid question
me: are sharks just mean dolphins
teacher: ok i was wrong
*My parents at my birth*
Mom: she’s beautiful
Dad: she’s perfect.
Precognitive doctor: One day she will have a “top three” monkey gifs.
Dad: My mom warned me that nothing good ever happens after midnight.
Doctor: Sir, do you want to cut your baby’s umbilical cord or not?
It’s when I saw the children playing with their toys completely wrong that I knew I had to step in
My Cat Made Me Think She Didn’t Have Dinner Yet. I Never Thought I Could Fall For A Scam. My latest in The Cut.
My son: Did you hear about the guy who got injured playing peek-a-boo?
Me: No
Son: he’s in the ICU
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
I put “the rap” in therapy.
Yo, yo.
Emotional baggage, bitter like cabbage. Rollin up the green like a Hulked out savage. Burger, Inc.
Forever Alone Barbie: Comes with 20 cats, and a Twitter account. Alcoholism and debilitating depression not included.