The coins in my cup holder have bonded together and will be the problem of whomever owns my vehicle next.
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[breakfast]
Her: Ugh. Dropped an egg.
Me: You could just say you’re ovulating, you know.
*alien tries to burst through chest
*years of fried foods have made my stomach walls unbreakableMe: HAHA!
Alien: Laugh it up, now I have to go out the other way
Me:
“Why are you wearing?” – existentialist reporter on the red carpet
If the apocalypse was happening the news would have some sort of tracker for it and multiple experts in studio debating about whether it was good or not.
Imitation is the sincerest form of crabmeat.
Careful, the circular motion you make with your hand to tell someone to roll down their car window is giving away your age.
Well this is awkward. Apparently when my wife’s friend invited me over for a play-date I was supposed to bring my kids.
You’re telling me this life crisis is mid
Shaggy: look out, it’s a gh-gh-gh-ghost!
Fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
Scrappy Doo, a literal talking dog: yea shaggy
[4 hours later]
Tyler Durden: And the 351st rule of Fight Club is you absolutely CANNOT substitute baking powder with baking soda when making pancakes
What Swiss Army Knife attachment do I use to put those holes in cheese?
her: aww you’re a cat dad!!
me: yeah, part of me thinks cats ward off evil spirits or multidimensional beings
her: oh-
me: that’s probably why they kill so many birds
her: i… um…
me: and also they’re tiny lil angel babies
her: yay!!!
My wife asked me to toast some bread for her. So, I raised my beer and said, “Here’s to bread.”
I might be drinking too much…
*Hello this is your pilot speaking, we still have about 9 hours in the air so let me entertain you folks reading you some of my tweets*
Kylo Ren was more powerful with his helmet on. With it off, he had to use a majority of his power to maintain his hair’s body and bounce.
Be woman enough to admit when you’re wrong. And then make everyone pay.
I wrote ‘I loathe ‘ and ac finished it with ‘people’. I’m gonna marry my phone.
A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the Judge.
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
Marital Status: My husband is mad at me because I cheered for the wrong college football team.
telling all stories about twitter 2.0
#RIPTwitter #TwitterMigration #twitter2.0 #TwitterIsDead
ME: my clothes are getting smaller
WIFE: you’re probably just putting on a little weight
ME: *pulling lint from dryer* then explain this
Find a man who pays attention to what you say as much as Google ads does
Me: yes, I’ll take the free burger
Cashier: sir, you have to buy one to get one
Me: I only want one though, the free one
Abundance: what a man with a manbun does when he hears music.
The lady next to me on this plane thinks I’m in her seat, she keeps asking what my ticket says.
Looks like we have a big problem, cause my ticket doesn’t talk.
So what happens to the pizza at the end of a porn film?
*pauses Airwolf on the VCR*
*sets wine cooler down on the coffee table*
*turns to her*ME: what do you mean this isn’t working out?
George Washington spent 63% of his salary on alcohol so I guess you could say I have presidential qualities.
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] what the heck