[Explaining nomenclature to my niece]
Well, you see, celebrities used up all the good names the year you were born, Fancy Feast.
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FRIEND: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
INTERNET: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
DOCTORS: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
ME: [trapped & unable to escape from a weighted blanket] Well, I do feel anxious
GOD: That’s the last of the animals. Now add warning colors to the poison ones
ANGEL: Will do
GOD: But not all of them, keep some surprises
It’s my son’s 4th birthday so I volunteered to help out on his class trip to Chinatown.
If you don’t hear from me again, they won.
Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?
I love how popular barn weddings are…because nothing says marriage like horse shit.
[meeting Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson at Comic-Con]
THE ROCK: You want me to autograph your jar of pickles?
ME: What? No, I want you to open it for me.
what did I do this weekend? saw 50 Shades Darker & coughed through the whole movie on purpose
its always terifying when im alone in my apartment and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” becuase i dread making smalltalk
ME: alexa, make it quieter
*music gets way too quiet*
ME: alexa, make it louder
*music gets super loud*
ME: [sigh] alexa, make it quieter
ALEXA: which contact would you like to call?
ME: jesus christ
ALEXA: i couldn’t find jesus in your contacts
doctor: what’s wrong?
me: nobody can tell the time anymore
doctor: *on the intercom* janice, we’ve got another one, cancel my 38 o’clock
Establish dominance with your psychiatrist by taking notes on his note taking.
“Ooooh the Zodiac Killer, so scary. Are you going to kill me with astrology whoa that’s a big knife.”
My 3yo was sitting on my lap reading a book
I lowered my head to kiss the top of his head
At the same time he whipped his head up and whacked my nose, fracturing itI have a swollen bruised nose just bc I wanted to love him
This is motherhood
Please don’t leave that cake alone with me
What do the movies Titanic and the Sixth Sense have in common? I see dead people. Get it? Icy dead people?
Happy Dad Joke weekend
When serial killers can’t afford to travel, they take slaycations
Sometimes I think I’m the only Brit trying to use up all this spice we stole
will never understand why soccer players celebrate a goal by running around more. you did good! take a lil’ break
Sorry I called animal control about your children but I really think those tranquilizer darts did the trick.
Can we still see the Grand Canyon from the air or has the government put a giant tarp over it?
Pest control guy, pulling a piece of drywall out to reveal an infant sitting inside the wall: Yep you got babies
I’d date me.
But mainly because I put out.
Got fired from Target for testing out the Nerf guns on their logo.
Me irl
Me: Can you hear me?
Ouija board: Y-E-S
Me: Is it hard to hear me with all the updog?
Ouija board: I-W-I-L-L-M-U-R-D-E
Medusa was the absolute worst when it came to objectifying people.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a toddler, asking her to eat her own damn breakfast instead of mine
amazon trucks should play a lil song so we know they’re coming
If you’re ever hiking in the woods and you get lost, just look up and find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
[highspeed chase]
ANCIENT GREEK COP: Damn they’re getting away *turns on Siren*
[several nearby ships are lured to their doom]