Me: Yeah, mosquitos always loved me. Your grandpa used meat tenderizer on my bites.
Son: Wow. That’s harsh.
M: I think because there’s salt in it.
S: Oh! The seasoning! I thought he actually used a meat mallet on you!
M: Umm…no…
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I have a five year plan to become more spontaneous.
When my wife wanted to have a second child – her exact words were “it’s just rinse and repeat”.
To this day that’s still the funniest joke she’s ever told.
Inside the heads of four JCrew models.
i am genuinely afraid for the people who post on the shitty food reddit
HIM: Show me what that mouth do, girl 😉
ME: *eats a fistful of bees*
asked my dentist out but she brushed me off, said she only dates plaque guys
Not gonna paste any more time on that cavitease, it’s her floss
[Before 9 was invented]
7: damn I’m hungry
My resolution this year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.
All my mom’s plants die from being overwatered and that’s all you need to know about my childhood and why I’m like this.
I know things ordinary people don’t know because ordinary people don’t talk to squirrels.
Unicyclists should just walk if they’re so desperate to cut down on wheels
INTERVIEWER: strengths?
ME: I’m good at presenting both sides of an argument
INTERVIEWER: great
ME: which could also be a weakness…
11: Daddy, how long have we been friends for?
Me: That depends. How old are you?
11: I’m eleven.
Me: Then probably 4 or 5 years hahaha
11: See, jokes like that is why we’re no longer friends.
If someone tells you they don’t like some particular word, do not torment them with it. To do so is totally moist.
Someone just said “can you imagine what it must have been like to have been old enough to remember the royal wedding?!”
and i thought they were talking Charles and Diana.
but they meant Will and Kate ☠️
It’s crazy that you get in trouble for trafficking drugs across the border. What if you were just doing someone a favor?
me: this cat is kissing me on the lips because it LOVES me
cat: mother’s lips taste perpetually of bacon
Son: Are you eating pie for breakfast?
Me (eating pie): No. Fruit casserole. Want some?
Son: NO. I hate casserole.
Me (whispers): I know…
I don’t know, just add a romantic vampire.
~The 2000’s
Welcome to parenthood. Your new hobbies are setting fake timers, trying not to scream, and the occasional shower.
*Creating bees*
God: Make them highly beneficial to the ecosystem.
Angel: Sure thing, boss.
God: Give ’em the greatest knees of all time
If you steal my identity you better believe that it comes with 4 kids.
DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow
T-REX: oh great
SEXY POTATO: Hey buddy, my eyes are up here, and over here, and down here, and around here and
Instead of butterfly kisses, I give you moth kisses. They’re crazy, frantic, all over the place- and quite honestly, you’re terrified.
7: can we have an awake-over tonight?
me: an awake-over?
7: it’s like a sleepover but without the sleep
My parents and teachers said I could be anything I wanted but I’m 28 now and I’m still not a hot Asian girl named Bang Bang 🙁
“I’ve got a couple of ideas I wanna run by you this afternoon,” my coworker threatened
if you knew me before my 20s, you never actually knew me. you knew season 1 me. we were severely underfunded and the writing team was going through a lot.
Was feeling really good about myself after an attractive man smiled at me on the elevator at work and told me I smelled great. Until I got to my desk and realized. Gentle reader, I had a sausage McMuff in my laptop bag.