1 rabbit can make 1,000+ babies in its life
DATE: how do you know that
*shouting over deafening hopping sounds from the attic* INTERNET
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Attention: Due to inflation, people like you are now a dime and a nickel a dozen.
Peace was never an option
ME: We’ve developed a fear of boy bands
WIFE: At the same time
THERAPIST: In sync?
TOGETHER: *screams*
[commercial for evaporated milk]
IS YOUR MILK TOO WET?
Insomnia: Wanna see a magic trick?
Me: No
Insomnia: Cmon, you know you do
Me: Fine
Insomnia: Think of a number between 1 and 10,000
Me: Ok
Insomnia: Is it 1?
Me: No
Insomnia: Is it 2?
Me: …No
Insomnia: 3?
Me: …I hate you
Insomnia: Don’t tell me. Is it 4?
[climbing inside trojan horse]
general: NO, THE WOODEN ONE!
Dad: I took the tooth and put the money under his pillow
Mom: Do you think he’s getting too old for this?
Dad *getting in car* it is harder since he moved out
Surgeon: I can’t find the clot
Wife: *from gallery* oh BIG surprise
It tastes fantastic but it takes forever to make. What should we call it? A trifle? Yeah, that makes sense.
[christmas break with my extended family]
*me in Oprah voice* YOU NEED A THERAPIST AND YOU NEED A THERAPIST! EVERYBODY NEEDS A THERAPIST!
I’m terrible with names…
…just ask my daughter Barry
If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following
To make sure I don’t cheat, my wife got me into cryptocurrency and that’s all I want to talk about with women now.
Saw this guy having engine troubles with his smart car. So I got out my son’s legos and built him a new one. I’m such a giver
Showed my 5yo some videos of mimes and explained mimes never speak and now we’re playing mimes don’t ruin this for us.
Astrophysicists still struggling to explain the Big Bang Theory: “It’s a corny show! We just don’t get it!” said one astrophysicist.
Sometimes when my boyfriend makes a racist joke I am like Ugh why did I even imagine you?
[getting cremated]
Ahh, I’ve finally reached my ideal weight.
To me, being Single means never having to apologize..
Unless someone drops by my disgusting house unannounced
‘Ugh you never let me get ANYTHING!’
-my 5 year old holding a balloon, cotton candy, and two packs of sparklers.
I doubt my humanity the most when I’m trying to read those wavy, twisty scripts that are meant to verify you’re human.
HUSBAND 911: what your emergency?
ME: my wife hears everything
HUSBAND 911: do I?
ME: what?
HUSBAND 911: what?
Dog: Time to take me out
Me: Ok
[5 minutes later]
Me: [calling dog to the front door]
Dog: [asleep on my side of the bed]
“You saw nothing.”
-me, to the neighbor kids about the toy I just shoved in the trash
My New Year’s resolution is to stop making so many typos.
Wish me lick.
snack time! which shapeless, wiggly treat would you rather?
“I just can’t wait to hear the audible gasps of amazement from everyone who enters my house.”
-Me after spending 6 minutes cleaning
My 4yr old keeps handing me toy dinosaurs and asking what kind they are and I have no clue… so I’ve been making up names.
Oh buddy that’s a plethosaurus.
That one’s a legiosaurus.
That’s a longneckasaurus.
Oh yes and this is the elusive bigbuttosaurus.
Of course I care about the environment. I spray air freshener every time I leave the restroom don’t I?
When someone starts making fun of my air guitar skills I just whip out my finger pistols and it usually shuts them right up.