Never heard of the diseases mani and pedi, but she says she needs a cure for them.
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Saw a young couple holding hands today & it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka
[1st date]
“My birthday is on April 20th, so 4/20. Isn’t that cool? When’s yours?”
Oh, umm *sweating* Sextember 69th
my neighbors have set up a little “bear hunt” game by putting teddy bears in their windows. I’ve shot five so far
Wish the trash would take me out for once.
Wanna get rich?
Buy my book, ‘How to Get Stupid People on the Internet to Send You $39.95’ for only $39.95.
Me: I really like your glasses. They’re so cute.
Cashier: I like yours too.
Me: Oh, thank you. I need them to see.* I need them to see?!? I shouldn’t be allowed to speak 😂
There must be an invisible mechanism on my book. Every time I open it, my husband starts trying to talk to me
New notice I stuck up in town this morning. Are you this person?
*slurps from a spoon*
Yep this hot tub is ready.
– Dracula darling, you have something stuck in your teeth.
– Vhere, here?
– No…
– Here?
– No, just go look in-
– GO LOOK IN WHAT, SARAH?
Don’t you love followers that don’t acknowledge your existence.
Its so cute. Its like I have tiny marriages all over the world.
Oh, you want to fight? Ok, one second *takes off glasses, removes retainer, unpins towel cape, empties snacks from pockets, sets down kitten
[before pepper spray was invented]
Cop: *holds pepper grinder in suspect’s face* Say when.
Y’all say redheads eat souls like it’s a bad thing, but I’m telling you, this diet is really going to pay off come swimsuit season.
How to be happier:
1. Exercise
2. Lift weight3. When you’ve become stronger due to those exercises, smack the person who made you unhappy.
DOCTOR: wut brings you in today
ME: im feeling funny
*an hour later*
DOCTOR: don’t worry you aren’t
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her once and for all that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
when a bird is walking around on its little bird legs. it’s mocking you. it’s saying this is you. this is what you look like.
Amazon: Your order has been ship—
Me: *Track Package*
I’m “that burger I ate is fighting back” years old.
How many minutes after someone’s fired is it cool to take their stapler?
A coworker just told me that “it is what it is” and I have never felt so enlightened.
My favourite way to cut carbs is with a knife.
Can’t stop thinking about really disturbing things today, like what if they had called him Illinois Jones.
Not my fault if the kids give up too soon
Talk to the hand. The hand is lonely and needs some company. What are you up to? How’s work? You look great. You want some tea?
My phone dies, freeing me from my prison. I look up at the world. Deer live in my house.
Man: a pack of condoms please.
Cashier: would you like a paper bag?
Man: no thanks, she’s pretty good looking.
“There are hot Shingles in your area”
– My Doctor
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m extremely talented with my lips and tongue.
*Whistles The Andy Griffith Show theme song flawlessly*