You don’t know what real fear is, until you’ve been cornered by a Mariachi band playing a rendition of Hotel California.
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Saw sign in yoga store: Do One Thing A Day That Scares You. So today I start raping coyotes.
Me: Can you tell the girl in the white dress I think she’s hot?
Priest: Absolutely not
“Welcome to D.A.D.D.D.S. Dads Against Dads Doing Dumb Shit. Repeat after me.”
[whole room] “AFTER ME”
“Ok fellas, lets start here”
After watching “101 Dalmations” I hoped my dog’s barking was to help others, but I think she is just spreading gossip.
Just saw a guy wearing a hat that says “Don’t Bother Me,” so I asked him where he got it & how much it cost & whether or not it works.
Teachers: “There are no stupid questions”
Parents of toddlers: “There are mostly stupid questions”
C’mon, dude. Man up and ask her if she likes me.
Rescued a Roomba from eBay and gave it a forever home.
5: What’s for dinner? Probably something gross like last time. So, what’s for gross dinner?
Me: I’m having pasta but I no longer know what you’ll be eating
Them: Writers are birthing bravery.
Me, a writer: Can I have an epidural please?
Him: Tire me out baby.
Me: *feeds him pasta*
Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man
[Restaurant]
“Good evening sir, would you like to hear the specials?”
Yes please
“THIS TOWN (AHH AHHH) IS COMIN LIKE A GHOST TOWN”
He said he was a Guardian of the galaxy, I thought that was pretty cool until I realised he was a security guard in a Samsung shop.
*robbers burst into bank*
EVERYONE PUT YOUR HANDS UPDOG
*bank manager frowns*
What’s updog?
WE’RE ROBBING THIS BANK WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
The best natural phenomenon is when a species lovingly accepts an orphan of another species, like how my fries have accepted this onion ring
Twitter is an abusement park.
H: You’re a narcissist.
Me: But I’m pretty, right?
H: Not my type.
Me: Funny?
H: Annoying.
M: The MOST annoying?
H: Yes,
M: I’ll take it.
[A bengals fan watching Titanic] I can’t wait until the end when Jack and Rose get married
is the plural of judas judasses or judi
I once broke up with a girl because she asked me to call her phone to help her find it and my number came up as “dude #3”.
famous: well-known for Good reasons
infamous: well-known for Bad reasons
therefore
flammable: catches on fire for Good reasons
inflammable: catches on fire for Bad reasons
[1st date]
Her: So, were you born here?
Me: [an idiot] In this restaurant? No. I was born in a hospital.
Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It’s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color
7: [from bed] MOM!
Me: YES?
7: *mumbling
Me: WHAT?
7: *mumbling
Me: HUH?
7: *mumbling
Me: *pauses movie*
7: WHAT DOES LIGHTNING TASTE LIKE?
I’d like to have a child one day. Two days, tops.
If the police don’t escort you out of Applebees then is it really a good date?
I ordered a large pizza and before answering the door, I yelled, “Pizza is here,” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating a large all by myself.
*gets ghosted*
Me: awesome, thanks for the 14-day free trial
If you’re gonna name your son after you, at least make it interesting. Like, instead of Junior, go with something like “Jeff 2: Revenge of the Jeff