ME: Take care of my cat while I’m away?
HITMAN: [screwing on silencer] No problem.
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Someone knocked at my door asking if I would like to donate to the children’s home so I just chucked him a few kids
I thought that my dog waking me up to poop in the middle of the night was exhausting until she started pooping to wake me up, which is WAY worse.
Son: When did you have your first self-own?
Me: I made fun of another kid in my class for not knowing what sex was and then I said it meant “whether you’re a girl or a boy” and everyone laughed at me
Son: No, your first CELL-PHONE
My friend takes things for granite because she didn鈥檛 finish high school
Catching the tram at the airport. Doors open and it鈥檚 packed. Husband says we鈥檒l just wait then sees a tiny opening at the next tram door and jumps on without telling me he鈥檚 doing that. Doors close. I stood there waving bye and the look of sheer terror on his face as it left.
I am only drinking 2 beers tonight, but in dog beers.
My mother-in-law doesn’t get migraines. She gives them.
Don’t wait for later to eat the cake. Do it now, before another mammal of your household finds it
[concert]
Security Guard: Ma鈥檃m, do you have alcohol in your bag?
Me: I don鈥檛 think so. Here, hold this flask while I check.
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
hmm didn鈥檛 realize until coronavirus how shocking it is to walk into a public men鈥檚 room and see all the sinks actually being used
Damn girl, are you an old ATM touchscreen? ‘Cause I’m pushing ALL the wrong buttons.
[Me, being lowered into my grave.
Email still buzzing nonstop]Zillow: 7 new burial plots just listed in your area
Target: 20% off all women鈥檚 death shrouds
Amazon: It鈥檚 never too late to treat yourself from your wishlist
2008: i guess i’d prefer a candidate with a few more years of governing experience
2028: i voted for president bruno mars by scanning a bottle of mountain dew with my iphone
I wonder if deer are sometimes like OMG THE TREES THAT SMELL LIKE MOUNTAIN DEW ARE SHOOTING AT US
It’s October which means it’s basically Halloween which means Thanksgiving is right around the corner which means it’s pretty much Christmas so Happy New Year everyone.
GLINDA: Are you a good witch or a bad witch?
DOROTHY: I鈥檓 not a witch at all! Witches are old and ugly.
GLINDA: Only bad witches are ugly.
DOROTHY:
GLINDA:
DOROTHY: You literally just asked if I was a bad witch.
Thank god madagascar 3 is coming out. Just didnt get the closure i needed with the first 2
Doc gave me new meds & I forgot what he said to do with the old meds so been taking em all and boy o boy what a day.
There are plenty of fish in the sea.
There are also sharks, giant isopods, oil spills, Flight 370, and Somali pirates.
Masseuse: happy ending?
Me: oh yeah*20 minutes later
Masseuse: …and then Tom Hanks shows up in the park and yells the dog’s name, and Meg Ryan just knows he’s the one she loved all along…
Me: OMG their love is so pure 馃槶
Husband: Come on baby, do that thing that I love.
Me: *stuffs an entire jelly doughnut into my mouth*
Kids these days can’t do shit without #Google. When I was a kid I didn’t have Google. So, I pretty much couldn’t do shit.
Jesus must’ve had a fortune if he paid for all my sins
Suddenly all I own are skinny jeans.
I just ran into my high school bully and it was great cause I’m doing well and he’s 17 which is very old for a dog
Me:*on phone* OMG thats hilarious! OK I gotta go, everyones staring. K bye. *hangs up* Im ready.
Priest: And do you take this man, in holy
Happy Passive Aggressive day! Don’t worry, I didn’t want you to get me anything anyway. No, it’s fine. Don’t worry about it.
[First date]
“So, do you have any pets?”
Yeah, I have a pet crow. He’s white.
“You have an albino crow?”
He prefers the term cawcasian.
My one neighbor just said Supposingly and my other neighbor responded with Supposably..
I鈥檝e hid both their bodies