With a dog, you have a glimpse into parenting. With a cat, you have a glimpse into marriage.
You Might Also Like
DIET UPDATE: I’ve had to replace the refrigerator light bulb twice since quarantine started
Accidentally told the dog she’s my favorite in front of my kids again
Boss: I’ve received complaints about your AA meetings
Me: too boring, right?
Boss: no, but the complimentary champagne needs to stop
It never felt more springy than that time I got drunk and slept on my neighbours trampoline.
The boss accused me of taking a drink during lunch, but he is completely mistaken, I paid for all three of them.
Her: I feel a special connection between you and I.
Me: I think you mean between you and me.
Her: I don’t mean either now.
Would definitely get your blood pumping waking up to that…😳🤣🦏🦮
Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don’t show up.
Son: daddy why is the sky blue?
Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled
You’d think Bowser would start locking the front door of his castle after the first time Mario just walked right in like he owned the joint.
“I knew the dame was trouble when she waltzed into my offfice with a green diamond floating over her head.”
[Justice League HQ]
SUPERMAN: Looks like Batman is hungry tonight
MOTHMAN: [visibly sweating] I think I’ll just fight daytime crimes
Oh, you asked if I had a perfect BEACH body. Now I see why you were confused when I said “Yes, I’m round, ripe & covered in fuzz.”
Top uses for a bathroom exhaust fan:
3. Remove moisture from the air
2. Remove odor from the air
1. Cover up disgusting sounds
coworker: you should try my therapist.
me: i’ve seen their work. no thanks.
I’m sorry this birthday cake suffered a severe accident where my hand fell into it and a chunk of it filled my mouth.
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] wtf
[1st time buying drugs]
Me: can I get a *reads smudged notes on hand* married iguana
Guy: *opens coat to reveal married iguanas*
Me: hell ya
There are actually only two stages of parenthood: having children, and having children who can reach things on countertops.
Me: Hey look in the water, there’s a bloodstained oar
Friend: That’s foreboding
Me: Damn it Gary I know what they’re for, stop patronizing me
*pokes forehead*
Is this thing on ?
If you were 8 yrs old when “red red wine” was released UB40 now
The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I’m hoping there’s gonna be a sniper.
Dog: Why don’t you feed me more?
Me: Because I love you and I don’t want you to get fat.
Dog: … You must really hate yourself.
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
cooks vegan zuchinni alfredo for dinner (evolved). follows it up with fistfuls of shaved parm straight out of the tub (caveman brain)
[if ‘cahoots’ meant love]
Me: I’m in cahoots with you. I’ve always been in cahoots with you.
Person: I’ve told you. I’m in cahoots with someone else. You and I could never be in cahoots. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.
I’m so incapable of accepting a compliment that I’ve started just flat out refusing them.
Them: You look lovely today.
Me: No thank you.
Indians will wait 25 years to have sex but not 25 seconds for the traffic signal to turn green.
“What if we just throw some pretty-colored marshmallows in with some cat food?”
-inventor of Lucky Charms