last day before retirement cop: I’ve been shot!
suddenly encased in jelly cop: mmphht
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The subtext of Moby Dick, The Rime of the Ancient Mariner, and most of Conrad is that you should never make eye contact with a retired sailor because he’s just waiting to tell you some interminable story about his time at sea.
Did you know if you weigh yourself, then take a dump, then weigh the dump & weigh yourself again, you’ll be banned from Walgreens for life?
FURNITURE MAKER WHO SECRETLY HATES HIS WIFE: Honey I created a new type of cabinet. I’m gonna name it after you
SUSAN: Aw baby that’s sweet
When I go grocery shopping I start with the heavy stuff: bags of dog food, gallons of water. This increases your cart’s ramming power if things start to get ugly in the soup aisle.
Reasons to jump:
1. Trampoline
2. Skydiving
3. Bungee jumping
4. Kris Kross made you
As Head Priestess of the North Glendale coven…in addition to requesting YET AGAIN everyone sign up for unholy committee duties…I’ll reiterate that your amulets MUST be smaller than mine, yes I mean yours Susan. Also there’s a Prius blocking the driveway. All hail the Dark Lord.
If we ever got together just know that I would totally shower and brush my teeth every day, even on holidays and weekends
Smooooooth
[first day working at a movie theater]
guy: can I get one large popcorn
me: no but I can give you like a million regular popcorns
Me[seeing snow for the first time]: Damn, that rain is thicc!
Are racist people like “ugh, my open minded uncle is going to be at Thanksgiving this year.”
Me: *opening can of worms
Husband: Where the hell did that come from?
Me: I can’t resist a sale.
The ouija board message was “if you’re reading this, I’m already dead”.
Me: Hey, wanna do nothing for Valentine’s this year?
Him: Why break tradition?
I usually spend my Sundays texting apologies but I’ve had an alcohol free weekend now I have nothing to do.
The human body is 90% water so we are basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
Lookit me! Getting out of bed! Paying bills! Avoiding eye contact with the laundry!
Running down the street dragging an entire bank behind me because I stole one of those pens attached to the little silver chain
The neighbors are angry, but I work during the day & I would like to know what time other than night do they expect me to complete the kind of blasting needed to begin the construction of my backyard hydroelectric dam?
“All my friends at school do not listen to me!”
– My 4yo who doesn’t listen to me
[shows up late for first day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour*
[shows up late for second day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour 2*
[Describing the adjective thief to a sketch artist]
Sketch Artist: Can you describe what he looked like?
Me: Not anymore I can’t
GENIE: you have three wishes.
ME: sweet, I wish for pie.
GENIE: okay, whatever, you have 3.14 wishes.
Cat 911: what’s your emergency
Cat: my human is bleeding to death!
911: stay calm. what happened
Cat: she tried to pet my stomach so i bit her
911:
Cat:
911: hahahaha
Cat: hahahaHA
Cat Paramedics: *arriving on scene* HAHAHAHA
ravioli cooking instructions are always like “bring 7 gallons of water to a boil. cook one ravioli at a time. use new water between raviolis. they don’t like thrifted baths.”
Necrophiliacs love going out on expiration dates.
Back in my day, we didn’t have iPads.
If we wanted to act elitist, we stuck the collars of our Polos straight up.
me: my car makes a funny noise
mechanic: that’s the horn
Wife: The police are here asking about a break in at the pet store
Me from within a pile of puppies: Tell them I’m not here.
I told my mom I dreamt I was an autumn leaf and she thought that was super weird, so you can see why I hesitate to mention the portal opening up behind the spice rack.