Miniature Donkeys escaped out of the fence and are heading to town and I’m pretty sure the damn cat orchestrated the entire plan.
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An opossum is just a regular possum that reenacts the diner scene from When Harry Met Sally.
[Wife watching news]: The tuxedo store was robbed. Know anything about that?
Me in super frilly tux: Nope
*Dog walks in also wearing tux*
This food was amazing! Give my compliments to the chef
*waiter peeks head into kitchen*
“You’re beautiful Gary”
*Gary starts blushing*
*Paul Ryan watches a children’s hospital explode*
Hhhhmmm, an affordable source of heat and light
It’s pretty wild how we used to lick each other to say hello
The person with duct tape holding most of their car together always has the right-of-way.
being over 40 is like the movie speed but you can’t drop below 600mg of ibuprofen in your system
Me: Hi.
Girl: No.
They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.
My coworkers are trying to talk me into doing a Polar Plunge. If I want to be doused into freezing cold water I’ll just have someone flush while I’m taking a shower.
My 5 year old said he’s not going to say a word until the bread pops up from the toaster so I unplugged it.
I have some bad news. I was experiencing some symptoms and got myself checked. It’s as I feared.
I tested positive for being brown.
I dont pretend to be anything I’m not..
Except for sober I’ve pretended to be sober a few times
My ex-girlfriend was an exhibitionist although she preferred the term ‘curator of an art gallery’.
“Full bath?”
“Yes sir”
“Double beds?”
“Yes sir”
“Pool?”
“Yes sir”
“Maid service?”
“Yes sir”
“WIFI?”
“Yes sir”“Kids, I found a campsite!”
Suit: It says here you’re “dramatic” and “nonsensical”?
Me [forward somersault, grabs resume]: Sorry that’s a typo, it should say “sandpaper pickles”.
Me: Send prudes.
Her: Wait, did you mean nudes?
Me: What? Ew. No.
Police: Cover me
Rookie: ok [pulls out guitar] Every little thing she does is magic
me writing at 3am: holy shit….. this is so good when did i become this talented
me reading what i wrote the next day: he roled he’s eye
Remember, you are statistically more likely to be killed by a donkey than a plane crash.
[Donkey Pilot turns and does throat slit gesture]
I used to believe in International Women’s Day… then I realised it was just my dad sneaking into my room, dressed as an International Woman.
He didn’t know that balancing your knife on the edge of the sink means you may make a second sandwich, so now we have some serious talking to do.
WIFE: How’s the ventriloquism going?
ME: Not good.
WIFE: But I got you that Ventriloquism For Dummies book.
ME: I don’t think he read it.
(First Day as Mailman)
ME: *wearing a suit made out of stapled together pieces of mail* Sup?
BOSS: You’re supposed to deliver those.
ME: No.
Them: ‘Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.’
Twitter: actually, we know a little bit about it.
When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.
alien graffiti can be pretty hurtful 😔
On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.
I suspect that the deep state is using nanotechnology to make my underwear tighter and I don’t like it.
911: What’s your emergency?
ME: SOMEONE STOLE MY COMMA.
911: When did you see it last?
ME: JUST BEFORE I SENT THE TWEET.
911: Where was it?
ME: IN FRONT OF THE “AND.”
911: Sir, that’s an Oxford comma.
ME: SO?!?
911: Well, they’re not really necessary.
ME: GO GET YOUR SUPERVISOR.