i was skeptical about people paying money for my tweets but i just did the math and i could quite possibly make $5.98 a month.
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If i ever experience an earthquake my first thought will probably be it’s godzilla.
I hate ramen noodles.
*Checks bank account balance*
I love ramen noodles!
*checks watch*
*gets up off toilet*
I don’t have time for this shit
“Aboot a half kilometer up the road.”
“Thank you.”
“Just past the Tim’s on your left.”
“Much appreciated.”
“My pleasure, eh.”
Therapist: tell me your dreams
Me: cheese
Therapist: no your weird dreams
Me: still cheese
Therapist: ok, your sexy dreams
Me: kinky cheese?
What idiot called it Airport Facilities Maintenance and not Hangar Management?
That’s it. The next time a relative asks me if I have a boyfriend, I’m going to say “no, I’m just sleeping around”.
Hell yeah I’m a catholic i’ve been addicted to cats my whole life
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
My father one time told me to go apologize to the neighbor for being mouthy so I went and told her my father says he’s sorry.
Are people with googly eyes better at searching for stuff?
Press 1 for English
Presione 2 para español
Press 0 for operator
Press 7 to talk to Randy about the rad seats he had at a Van Halen concert
I’m jealous of babies because they don’t know anybody yet
Me: I’m a tenor.
Her: You’re a six, and I’m being generous.
My therapist puts her toilet paper roll on upside down, yet somehow I’m the crazy one?
Purchased the e-book version of Infinite Jest like an idiot and had to make do.
I told my son, age 11, to clean his room. He’s 22 now. Will it ever happen?
Netflix asked if I was still watching Barbie Dreamhouse Adventures and I clicked continue watching and then realised none of the kids had been in the room for at least half an hour
My mom texted me asking what “DTF” meant and I told her “Dedicated To Family”…I seriously can’t wait for her to use it.
All right stop, coagulate and thicken
Me:
One of my moles: I shall grow a hair for you, master
Well I gave my middle son a haircut and long story short it is a darn good thing he’s stuck at home
Movies are so unrealistic. This guy’s using his computer to access an alien ship & not once has it asked if he wants to upgrade his Adobe.
4-year-old: Can you do what you want at work?
Me: No, I have to listen to my boss.
4: Mom is at your work?
Give the gift of sarcasm to a child and receive it back tenfold.
Waiting for Bernie Sanders to come out from under the ring and hitting someone with a steel chair to claim the presidential belt.
Me: You said everything in here was edible
Willy Wonka: Yes, but-
Me: *takes another bite of Oompa Loompa* Tastes like a circus peanut
[Staring at bedroom ceiling]
Her:Don’t worry. It happens to every guy
Me:Not to me it doesn’t!
*resumes trying to unscrew lid from pasta jar
every time you say the word “turnt” a baby gets run over by a smart car
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.