Imagine how hard it must have been before photography existed, having to hold a pose in the bathroom while painting your selfie.
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Why does the bad guy always have to know some form of martial art? Why cant they just throw stuff while screaming “stay away from me!”
Why do people draw sunglasses on the sun? It’s like, dude, he’s the sun. They make sunglasses because of him.
Her: I can’t believe you got us kicked out of my cousin’s wedding.
Me: They totally overreacted. People have been throwing rice at newlyweds for centuries!
Her: Pork fried rice??
I totally understand how “please leave your brother alone” can be interpreted as “throw toys at him.” It’s just common sense.
Marriage vows in the future will include things like “During pandemics, I promise not to judge how many glasses of wine you drink.”
ME: You see that guy with the half horse body standing in the middle of that crowd?
FRIEND: Ugh. Yes… Let me guess, they’re the *centaur* of attention?!
ME: No. He keeps shitting everywhere and no one says anything
When someone blows a kiss at me I karate chop it right in half.
Dear Religion,
Pics or it didn’t happen.
Love, Science
Leaving my son at college
Me, crying: Eat healthy food, dress warm when it’s cold, be careful late at night, wash your sheets once a week, take vitamin c every morning
Husband: Love ya bud
Mum’s will be like, “I am not here to tell you what to do” and tell you anyway.
Sex so bad the Oompa Loompas sang a song about it.
Apparently they don’t want you sipping your beverage from a brown paper bag at work.
Made the decision that I’m done having kids. Yet every morning I wake up and there they are asking me for breakfast.
I just pulled a muscle tearing up my gym membership card.
Have donuts and coffee, will travel.
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes, now I have Heinz sight
ME: No Officer, I swear I’m not high
CAT: For the last time, I’m not a cop, and cats can’t talk
ME: Whew! In that case I’m high af
CAT: Busted! *flashes badge* Undercover Cat Cop strikes again!
I can’t explain it with science, but the older I get the softer I want my clothes to be.
House arrest? Your Honor, if anyone is going to be punished here it should be me. My house has done nothing wrong.
[table of 6 year olds in lab coats]
How are we supposed to find a cure for cooties if we
*bangs fist on table*
CAN’T EVEN FIND WALDO?!
My most difficult parenting challenge to date is when my toddler shouted “oh my god, not again!” when my over talkative neighbour came to chat to us and I had to try not to laugh
Be the change you want to see in the world.
*follows husband around house closing cabinet doors
you know covid done screwed everything up when you get into a car accident with a small plane.. you don’t even panic you guys just exchange insurance information.
I’ve dated a vegetarian, trust me, they put meat in their mouth.
Passer-by: hey buddy, do you have change for the phonebox?
Clark Kent: why would I change in a phonebox?
P: I didnt-
CK: I’m not Superman
me, lightly touching miette with the side of my foot: miette move out of the way please so I don’t trip on you
miette, her eyes enormous: you KICK miette? you kick her body like the football? oh! oh! jail for mother! jail for mother for One Thousand Years!!!!
my mom said she fed the cutest black and white squirrel today. my sister checked the ring camera, it was a literal skunk
[creation]
GOD: Gather round creatures & I’ll tell you what you’ll eat
ANTEATER: I’m SO excited!
DUNG BEETLE: I got a bad feeling about this
Yet again my date made me get out of his car before we’d even had dinner. Uber is the worst dating app ever.