Date: I can’t go out with a guy unless he’s a big dog person
Me [a werewolf]: This is your lucky day
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Through the drive thru speaker: would you like to try the chicken club
Me: [ imagining chickens getting down on the dance floor ] hell yes I would
My daughter has been asking for more independence lately so this morning I took her out for breakfast and asked for separate checks.
Me: I’ve got distressed genes.
Friend: Don’t you mean distressed jeans.
M: Have you met my family?
A man approaches me. “You caught my eye,” he says.
I look in my hand. “Christ, is THAT what this thing is?!”
BEST FRIEND: Dude I’m broke!
ME: …
DAUGHTER: I have to sell my house!
ME: …
BROTHER: I have NOTHING, you took it ALL!
ANGEL ON SHOULDER: You should help them.
MONOPOLY GUY ON OTHER SHOULDER: FINISH THEM!
PRIEST: are you a catholic?
ME: I have four, but I wouldn’t say I’m addicted
No thanks Cupid. If I wanted butterflies and my heart skipping beats, I would do something less ridiculous like lose my phone.
If Ross Geller and George Costanza were in the same room with Sheldon Cooper, Michael Scott, and Kimmy Gibbler, they still wouldn’t be as annoying as you.
Did I say feelings? I meant uhhh sandwiches. I have sandwiches for you.
It only looks like my kids are having popsicles for breakfast, Brenda, those are clearly frozen smoothies
Parenting tip: from now on, buy only spaghetti-sauce colored clothes.
*Goes to Vegas casino
*Steps out of limo
Casino manager: Sir, are you a high roller?
Me: I am, now point me to your finest claw machine.
<gets on elevator >
Pushes all the buttons
Hugs everyone
Prays out loud that we’re not going to die
Gets off at the 2nd floor
Laughs
Me: This escape room is really hard.
Guard: I said lights out!
I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.
Diets are like religions. The moment I find out that thing I like isn’t allowed, I’m out.
Quick, while the British people are sleeping:
Raise your hand if you make tea by microwaving hot water
God: You finish all 11 commandments?
Moses: About the 11th one…
God: What?
Moses: Check yourself before you wreck yourself?
God: Fine, 10.
Baby Soldier: Ma’am. Your husband is MIA.
Soldiers wife: *covers crying face with hands*
Baby Soldier: Oh great! Now his wife is MIA too.
HEADLINE: Recent Studies Show Old White Dudes Possibly Becoming Obsolete. “This is bad for everybody,” say Old White Dudes.
Meteorologist: Dress for the 70s today.
Me: Okay.
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
Me: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Dan from the next cubicle: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re just going to take them to an IKEA instead.
“I could eat.”
-me (right after I’ve eaten)
Her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride dolphins
Me: i’m taking a plane Linda
My Girlfriend has spent the last 2 hours checking out every guy she sees.
I’m considering asking her to stop working in that Hotel Reception.
Maybe the sharks are attacking people bc they think they are made of cake
I spend a lot of time looking at new recipes for someone who regularly burns instant noodles
My 1-year-old has been beeping at me all morning.
I thought there was something wrong with her.
Turns out she’s being R2-D2.