When people ask me if my twins are natural I say no they’re robots.
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Eventually every parent reaches the it’s a good thing they’re so cute stage.
I buy ribbed condoms, it makes my balloon Armadillos more realistic
The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.
being a pirate is so easy…I can do it standing on one leg
Those who say English majors won’t succeed in the work place underestimate how much creative writing is needed when completing the annual employee self-evaluation.
Welcome to your late 40s. You now have car glasses, office glasses, living room glasses, and bedroom glasses.
Has this person in front of me ever used a drive thru?
– everyone
its cool in movies when a guy blows into town and after a 30 second conversation an old guy is like, you can work in my bar and sleep in the spare room above the garage and eat meals with my family and have sex with my daughter
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
[A field]
*An elderly Louie Pasteur and I sit among the clover, I hold a shotgun*
Me: It’s time to put you out to pasture. *Cocks shotgun*
Cobra & Mongoose. He’s a cobra… she’s a mongoose. They say opposites attract but can two unlikely partners find love? No. Oh jeeezus, don’t look.
Don’t take me camping because if I see a bear, I will hug that bear.
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
Starts a choir that moves around in a boat, preaching how we are all going down into an abyss of damnation.
Names the boat Hell Sinky.
Before Calling Me, ask yourself “Is This Textable?”
CUSTOMER: i’m here for the $10 car wash?
CAR WASH GUY: *scrubbing car with a soapy ten-dollar bill* that’ll be $44.99
me hooking up with my ex
Me: We need a table of six for brunch, please
Hostess: No problem. Please have a seat. The wait should only be about eleven hours.
true crime documentaries are like “he was a good man except to his spouse, children, coworkers, and victims”
I’m terrified of all my friends with babies learning that I’ve separately texted each of them: “Wow! That’s the best baby I’ve ever seen!”
the beatles really said “i am the walrus, i am the eggman” and the world was like “ok”
Doing math together is known as fourplay.
Therapist: we need to work on YOU taking responsibility for YOUR actions
Me: *pulls a flask out* WHO PUT THIS IN MY PURSE?
When our food came, I suddenly blanked on “bon appetite” and blurted out “mea culpa,” but she seemed fine with it.
*stands over dads casket*
“Mom isn’t doing well, dad.”
*puts hand on dad’s shoulder*
“You need to stop building caskets. It’s creepy.”
United Airlines just tried to charge me $25 for the bags under my eyes.
[checking my phone]
“i hope this email finds you being mauled” ha ha what in the heck
[suddenly a bear is in my kitchen]
Me: Why don’t we have a nice, romantic bubble bath?
Him: Sounds amazing*flash forward*
Him: I thought we’d be taking the bubble bath together
Me: (from the other tub) My tub is too small for two, you know that. And say “over” when you’re done talking on the walkie, babe
I dreamt I was drowning in the ocean, and woke up spitting on my pillow.
So yeah, you can say I get pretty wet n wild in bed.
Criminal Tip:
Buy a gun from a guy off the streets.
As soon as he sells it to you, point it at him & get your $$ back.
Free gun.