#MeanwhileinCanada
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Me eating dark chocolate: Mmm healthy choice! This is basically a vegetable.
Social distancing does not mean go chill at your friends house
“holy crap….um guys?!” – the first caterpillar to wake up out of a cocoon
I walk into the store thinking man I look good today and then the self-checkout security camera had to go and point out that I actually look like Squidward
Just finished up some dusting. And by dusting I mean I blew on a shelf and then sneezed 6 times in a row.
Me: I heard the Herpes Virus is linked to Alzheimers.
Pharmacist: True. Name please.
Me: I have no idea.
Thrilling chase underway
Her: *firing a stun gun at my head*
Me: *screaming* No! I said “I like brain TEASERS”
Mom: Want to come over for dinner?
Me: No thanks, already ate
Mom: What did you have?
Me: Peanut butter
Mom: With?
Me: Spoon
In addition to dental offices, the following should be allowed to offer nitrous oxide:
•car dealerships
•gynecologists
•children’s birthday parties when parents have to stay and wait
•nail salons
•work meetings that last longer than 30 minutes
•baby showers
If I run my fingers through your hair, I’m not being romantic… I’m probably just trying to get chicken wing grease off my hands
Wanted to respond with “Perfect!” but accidentally sent “Pervert!”
That’s my cue to leave. And sorry, Steve, you’re probably not a pervert.
Nice try girl with a great job and is mentally stable…
Hello crazy chick with anger issues and a knife collection.
I just overheard someone threaten that they were going to “put their foot down”. What kind of threat is that unless you’re Godzilla?
First rule of flight club…no penguins.
[day 3: stuck in elevator]
girl: if we don’t eat we’ll die soon
me: *waiting for her to die so I don’t have to share the meatballs in my pocket* how soon?
sure sex is great but have you ever pulled the pamphlet from a cassette/cd case and realized from the thickkkkkness you just scored the lyrics?
“any questions for Mr. deGrasse Tyson?”
[I knock over an old woman while sprinting to the mic]
HOW DOES AIR CONDITIONING WORK IN SPACE?
When I die, I’d like my coffin to be filled with Reese’s Pieces so on my headstone it can say “R.I.R.P.”
5yo and her friend just ended an argument by deciding they would “have a piece of cheese and calm down”
So, yeah, she’s mine.
I need someone to pretend they’re coming round, so I will burst into life and actually clean this stupid house.
4-year-old: What happens if I microwave 5 Barbies?
Me: That’s an oddly specific question.
4: I already know what happens if I do it with 4
13 years of marriage and my husband has never asked me to make him a salad
When does he ask for one? During a pandemic when we’ve run out of vegetables and grocery pick up is in three days
therapist: so, when did your fixation with marbles begin
her: [mouthful of marbles] hard to say
I hate it when healthy me does the groceries, because now fat me needs a snack.
Nobel prize to the person who invented stretchy clothes
6: that’s none of your business
4: it IS my business
6:
4: what does business mean
My wife is not satisfied with my assurances that the spider is dead. I must also produce a death certificate, pictures from the funeral and the names and addresses of next of kin.
[First date]
Her: Are you literally WEARING a red flag?
Me: Yes, do you like it? Hey! Come back!
Eating too much fruitcake is the sin of gluttony.
However, eating too much pie is okay, because the sin of pi is zero.
#FruitCakeDay #RubbishJokes #Dadjokes